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Fear
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fear |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Like tourists they lined the side walks. Cafes smoldered with conversation then, there in the light her eyes wandering, searching for the words Her hands danced beneath the table grasping at words her eyes could not see The fear arouse in me I was attracted to her Fear arouse in me I had seen in her again fear smiled upon me I felt through her and again the fear I cried for her fear, oh fear I watched her lips damn the fear I pulled at her mind my fear I questioned yet again Like a child in the dark an enshrouding fear Her getting near oh fear losing again was my fear living alone for fear hurting alone the damn fear |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Tony, you've got a very strong beginning and a fast paced rhythm that carries the reader along but don't you think you've overdone it a bit with all those 'fears'. Repetition is one of my favorite devices in poetry (because you can show how the same line can have such variety) but I found this bordering on the comic (unless that was your intention?). I think this has great potential if you just toned it down a bit. Just an opinion, Brad PS I liked the arose/arouse play as well. [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 02-07-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Tony, I'm gonna have to go with Brad on this one. Very strong beginning, weak middle, but I did like most of the repetition in the last stanza. "Like tourists they lined the side walks. Cafes smoldered with conversation then, there in the light her eyes wandering, searching for the words Her hands danced beneath the table grasping at words her eyes could not see" The only part I didn't like in this stanza was "then, there in the light". Seemed to plain for this poem. Loved "Her hands danced beneath the table". Also one more thing, is your use of the word "words" to be taken as "thoughts"...just curious, I found it worked either way, but if you did intend it to be solely her thoughts rather then her thinking and wanting to say something about what she wanted then maybe you should consider changing it a bit...just an opinon. "The fear arouse in me I was attracted to her Fear arouse in me I had seen in her again fear smiled upon me I felt through her and again the fear I cried for her fear, oh fear I watched her lips damn the fear I pulled at her mind my fear I questioned yet again" Well, I personally thought the use of the word "fear" was an overkill. Was the play with "arouse" intentional? or did you want either "arose" or "aroused" instead. Just curious. Kinda has a interesting "feel" the way it is. "Like a child in the dark an enshrouding fear Her getting near oh fear losing again was my fear living alone for fear hurting alone the damn fear" I think this last stanza would be so much more effective if you toned down the second one. Really good stanza in my opinion, only suggestion I have is consider chopping away the line "losing again", just an idea, with it gone it kinda keeps the tempo up in my opinon. Anyways, I'd love to read this again if you decide to change the middle (that is if you think it needs re-working). Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Thank you gentleman. I have not worked on this one at all it just is at it was written. I wanted to use the word fear over and over to illustrate the obsessiveness. I agree with the losing again part. I thought it was teenagerish( I know not a word) in it's feel. I wanted the repetition of fear and each subsequent line to be like an interplay between the irrational fear that is based entirly on emotion and the thought process of the mind. Also, i wanted to show the power of emotion over the mind. thanks again gentleman |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I can really relate to this one, thanks!!! |
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