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Our Sanity
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Our Sanity |
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Rashka Fyre Blackheart New Member
since 1999-10-17
Posts 7 |
My sanity...I can see it slipping... Slipping away between my fingers... Fingers burning with sensations. Sensations never felt before, Before I can reach out, I'm grabbed... Grabbed into a darkness of pain. Pain like no other..it is so cold. Cold as the winter's rain of death Death of my Sanity. The lunatic, the lover, and the poet. Are of imagination all compact.. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Rashka Fyre Blackheart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Rashka, This is a very emotional piece. It really has weight, there are just a few things which I feel could help the way it reads. I wouldn't begin the line with the last word of the previous line. Perhaps something like: "My sanity...I can see it slipping... Oozing away between my fingers...etc..." You know expand on the previous thought. This is, however, only my opinion, and is offered in the most humble way possible. What does work for me is the imagery. "Cold as the winter's rains of death" darkly beautiful. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello Raksha: I enjoyed this piece. Your "end words becoming beginning words" worked well for you here. I would have liked to see more examples of what you did with "before/Before" (a slight shift in meaning/focus) with some of your other end/begining combos. I think it would make for a more interesting read. One thing. You begin by saying "My sanity ... I can see it slipping ..." but then you go on to describe what this slipping feels like rather than describing what it looks like. The easy way to fix this is to replace "see" with "feel". The harder, of course, would be to try to describe what this slipping sanity looks like. I think this would be a worthwhile project, though (I'm actually a little curious as to how you might describe it). Good job on this. Thanks for the read.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-02-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Rashka, Nice to meet you. I also liked the wrap of end words to beginning words. I thought that added to the impact. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Rashka Fyre Blackheart New Member
since 1999-10-17
Posts 7 |
Thank you three for your imput. I really am glad two of you found my wrap around technique enjoyable, for I never have tried anything like it. Also, I have a new challenge ahead of me to try to explain what it is like to see sanity slipping. Thank you so much! The lunatic, the lover, and the poet. Are of imagination all compact.. |
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