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Horseshoe Lake
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Horseshoe Lake |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
The moon was cracked by several trees’ veiny Shoots and branches. . . As if being forced into a stained glass window Or a mural, never to return. I stood on the barren, frozen shore of a glacial Lake and stared off into its expansive and nebulous Void. A friend, dressed like me in black, Was far back in the distance becoming a living Contrast to the dark white of the arctic land at night Beneath yellow winter moon. . . I felt like I could walk out across the lake Like a Biblical character and have my friend Watch me disappear slowly in a swirl of fog, Never to return. To be heard of, but never seen again. “This,” I tell myself, “is the great divide.” I backtrack a little while, headed toward my friend, Thinking of the cracks in the lake, Thinking that the creaking sounds I heard Were the lake fissuring achingly slow. . . I want to tell my friend that this is The Great Divide I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, But it would just come across like Manic madman babble, so I keep that much To myself and ask her to go over to where I was standing before. She stands there looking out, Me enraptured again by the sheer immensity Of it, then tells me she prefers to stand Further back to get the view of the Entire scene, to see the moon (Then hidden by a grouping of thick, dead trees) As it shines down on our earth, To see the lake as a whole surrounded by a Thick layer of trees. As I stand level with the lake, able to look Nowhere but out across its surface in Limited visibility, I think of my entire life And the unlimited possibilities. . . It fills me with hope. I don’t think there’s much more You can hope to see. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Greg Butler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
I am utterly amazed at the surgical perscision with which you pick and place your words. Your writing is so smooth i do not even have to try to make it flow it just does as I read the words out loud. Outside of that just some comments. In the first stanza I do not know if you need never to return". I think that it weakens the imagery. Also in the third stanza Never to return. To be heard of, but never seen again This sort of loses me. The but would imply and contrasting statment but you just say the same thing again. Manic madman babble, I love this kind of stuff truley original poetic ingenuity! See ya |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i loved the first stanza! what a fresh and picturesque description of the moon. it must have been a great moment of clarity for you that night. you recount the scene so well, i can see it myself. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
The moon was cracked by several trees’ veiny Shoots and branches. . . As if being forced into a stained glass window Or a mural, never to return. I like the imagery; it sets the mood very effectively. I can see how the stained glass window fits in, but the mural image is less clear. Still, like I said, makes a very strong intro. I stood on the barren, frozen shore of a glacial Lake and stared off into its expansive and nebulous Void. A friend, dressed like me in black, You might want to think about moving "void" to the end of the previous line, especially with the way you capitalize the beginning of every line. With the capital "V," it makes me think of something more proper and specific, whereas I believe an abstract representation is more effective. Just getting rid of the capital "V" would do that for me. Was far back in the distance becoming a living Contrast to the dark white of the arctic land at night Beneath yellow winter moon. . . First, I'd place a comma after "distance." There's a natural pause there, so I think it would be helpful. Also, I don't like the words "living Contrast." I think you could find a more poetic and effective way of wording that. I felt like I could walk out across the lake Like a Biblical character and have my friend Watch me disappear slowly in a swirl of fog, Never to return. To be heard of, but never seen again. I like this section. I'm guessing it's actually an allusion to a Biblical character. Not sure though, since I'm not that well versed in the Bible. If it isn't actually an allusion, I think that might be an interesting idea that could add a little extra to your poem. Just an idea. “This,” I tell myself, “is the great divide.” I backtrack a little while, headed toward my friend, Thinking of the cracks in the lake, Thinking that the creaking sounds I heard Were the lake fissuring achingly slow. . . I want to tell my friend that this is The Great Divide I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, But it would just come across like Manic madman babble, so I keep that much To myself and ask her to go over to where I was standing before. Am I right in remembering that you posted another poem a little while ago that was entitled "The Great Divide," or something like that? I think so, but I don't remember what it was about. I understand why you don't go into it in more detail in this poem. I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to sometimes put thoughts into words. Still, I would be interested in hearing more about this great divide. It's an interesting concept. I find myself thinking of the continental divide, where rivers flow in different directions, depending on which side your on. If this is anything like what the great divide is, it creates an interesting theme for your poem in that you and your friend are starting to head in different directions. You're on one side of the great divide; she's on the other. I don't know if that's what this is about, but it's an interesting idea that just came to mind. Thought I'd share it. Anyway, like I said, I would be interested in hearing more about the great divide. She stands there looking out, Me enraptured again by the sheer immensity Of it, then tells me she prefers to stand Further back to get the view of the Entire scene, to see the moon (Then hidden by a grouping of thick, dead trees) As it shines down on our earth, To see the lake as a whole surrounded by a Thick layer of trees. This stanza sort of seems to be reinforcement to the idea I brought up about the last stanza and the great divide. You're friend would rather look at things from her perspective; you're starting to move in different directions. I would suggest taking out the parenthetical line in this stanza though, as it comes across as unnecessary (to me, at least). As I stand level with the lake, able to look Nowhere but out across its surface in Limited visibility, I think of my entire life And the unlimited possibilities. . . It fills me with hope. I don’t think there’s much more You can hope to see. Very strong ending. Overall, the poem had a sort of haunting beauty that was very attractive to me. I really liked this. Thanks for posting it. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
And so Ryan hits it...this is the companion piece to "The Great Divide", which was posted some days ago. Look it up. They explain one another a little better. Ryan...there IS a comma after distance, just not in this version (by accident, unfortunately. I'll leave it as-is anyhow...) "Void" is another concept I've been fiddling with, in addition to the great divide. They're sort of synonymous in my mind. You're a Kerouac fan...pick up a copy of "Desolation Angels" sometime. That'll explain the enjambment and the capital "V". A mural, by the way, is made up of small pieces of other things comprising a complete whole. The moon was cracked into pieces. Also, look for a metaphor in that...she and I are cracking beneath the great divide, the moon was cracked by several trees' veiny shoots and branches...not easily apparent, but intended nonetheless. You "got" the poem, as it were. My congratulations. I don't like seeing my work on the chopping block any more than the next poet, but I'm here for that exact thing. I thank you for your time. Adieu et au revoir. Wordshaman |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
wordshaman-- sorry it took me so long to get to this... this is a really beautiful piece. i love your first stanza, perfectly setting the tone and foreshadowing your theme, very well done. and i love the idea of the 'sheer immensity' and unlimited possibilities present even in a 'limited' view... of each of us having an unlimited, limited view. ryan is right, this is extremely hard to put into words, but you've done a great, great job of it. thanks for a great read! jenni |
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