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Oh Canada!!!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Oh Canada!!! |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Winos whose brains have rotted with too much after shave, sit in the dying hours of sunlight, along the side walks; in groups of six A fight breaks out among the destitute I stopped across the street and stared and strained trying to hear their slurred words. "I am Canadian!!!!", "I was born here!!!" he screamed, rolling the words out and over his swollen tongue a tongue that had the weight of a Two-four on it Even an outcast wino takes pride in his nation. A nation that has long ago abandoned him and his hopes Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws Jim Morrison |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, You Canadians make me sick, always talking about how great your country is. But what about the rest of the world huh? J/K , I'm a canuck'er too so I felt compelled by national patronage to critique this poem  ."Winos whose brains have rotted with too much after shave, sit in the dying hours of sunlight, along the side walks; in groups of six" Good opening stanza. Only suggestion is that consider changing "rotted". Them drinking aftershave already tells the reader that they probably have something wrong in the old engine room. Perhaps something like "Winos whose brains smell flowery" or "Winos whose brains smell fragrent"..dunno, the examples aren't very good but they're only there to help inspire if you felt the need to change that part. "A fight breaks out among the destitute I stopped across the street and stared and strained trying to hear their slurred words." Pretty plain but effective stanza and sets up the next stanza well. ""I am Canadian!!!!", "I was born here!!!" he screamed, rolling the words out and over his swollen tongue a tongue that had the weight of a Two-four on it" I liked this stanza because it reminds me of some people I have met. One suggestion is perhaps consider using another descrip. other than "Two-four"....too cliched and easy if you're a Canadian and maybe too vague if your from elsewheres. I think them damn heathen'ish yanks call them cases, their alcoholics aren't as sophisticated as ours "Even an outcast wino takes pride in his nation. A nation that has long ago abandoned him and his hopes" Not a bad closer though personally I thought it could have been expanded on more. Anyways pretty good poem, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tony: Looks like the new Mod's are ganging up on you today. "Winos whose brains have rotted with too much after shave," I think your sentence structure here is confusing. Surely you don't mean our canuck'er has been drinking BRUT or Old Spice. The weight of a 2-4 (case to we yanks) clues me in to this. I think what you are trying to say here is: "Winos with rotted brains, wearing too much aftershave," Am I right? "sit in the dying hours of sunlight, along the side walks; in groups of six" I'm a little confused by your use of a semi-colon here. Usually semi-colons serve the same purpose as conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). I think you could eliminate any sort of punctuation in the place of that semi-colon and it would smoothen the read. "A fight breaks out among the destitute I stopped across the street and stared and strained trying to hear their slurred words." Eavesdropping on the destitute! Shame-shame!  "'I am Canadian!!!! I was born here!!!' he screamed, rolling the words out and over his swollen tongue a tongue that had the weight of a Two-four on it" I like the imagery here, especially "the weight of a Two-four on it". It was a bit obscure to me but worked well for me after I knew what you were referring to (I thought at first that it was some cheap brand of Canadian whiskey like Mad-Dog 20/20 in the U.S.). Thanks for clueing me in Trev. "Even an outcast wino takes pride in his nation. A nation that has long ago abandoned him and his hopes" This is the only stanza I didn't like but this is only because of my personal opinions and biases on the subject of "who is responsible for who". Is Canada at fault for the wino being an outcast or is the wino responsible for drinking a case of whatever it was he drank? This, however, is merely my opinion. Thanks for the read Tony. Later. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
JIM: You leave the Canadian alone....oh Mr. Prime Minister....call out the TROOPS!!!! Get Bryan Adams on the phone....tell Celine to come home from California...We are going to WAR!!!!!!! Just wanted to respond to the aftershave thing.....Many of the "winos", etc. will drink about anything to get them high. I've seen them drinking aftershave, sniffing glue and gas and old areosol cans, cooking grade rice wine and the list goes on. One person I talked to said they cleared the shelves of products like this to avoid contributing to the health problems associated with consuming these products. Also I agree with you about the semi colon part...now I've asked this question several times but no one ever answers me...what's the difference between a colon and semi-colon? Anyways, thought that part of the poem could have been reworded to either incorperate the semi-colon or eliminate the punctuation. Maybe something like... "sit in the dying hours of sunlight, along the side walks; six packed" Just a thought, thanks again, take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Since you Canadians are mobilizing those celebrity troops, don't forget to send Shania Twain. Trevor: This is my understanding of the semi-colon/colon usage rules: The semi-colon is basically a substitute for a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). A colon is a break that indicates some sort of list or extended quote follows. I don't have my "Elements of Style" with me right now but I think I am correct with this. If you still don't quite follow, email me (either one of you) and I'll look up a more precise answer. Later. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Thanks Jim, I finally understand now. And sorry Shania is our Elvis...we'll put her in the army but she ain't gonna see any action....at least not in the form of combat |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Trevor, it's ok if you just leave Shania here and I personally find it hard to believe that ole Jim didn't drink at least a little after shave while trying to get through school.Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello Thank you for all the suggestions. I really like the six packed one. Never thought of it. Thank you also for clarifying the punctuation issues. see ya |
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