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Your half of me
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Your half of me |
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Crystalina123 Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 228 |
YOUR HALF OF ME We met through friends, And laughed as time passed by, We sat outside, watching the sun rise and the winds, Pass through the trees as birds fluttered across the deep blue sky. We smiled because we knew it all, So innocent and yet so sure, With you by my side I stood tall, Proud of everything we were. You became my best friend, Somewhere deep in my heart I believed you were a godsend. You smiled when I laughed, cried when I cried, Swore you'd be there till the day I died. We fell in love, Typical story I'm sure, Friendships becoming more, Love so completely pure. For Valentines Day last year, I gave you a half of a key chain, The words, reflected how I felt, just like a mirror: "The lord watch over me, And thee, While we are absent from one another." You kept your half, I kept mine, Looking back on it, I try to force myself to laugh, A love ill fated by design. You said good bye almost three months ago, The story still seems as dark, As something written by Poe. You don't smile at me anymore, And now I cry as time passes by, I sit outside, watching the sun set and the winds, Flutter the trees as the leaves fall from the pale grey sky. I smile cause now I know it all, So tainted and yet so unsure, I finger this key chain, wanting to call, Your name, wondering if you still have your half, Wondering if you remember what we once were. -- Crystal Ryan ** I'm trying to work on the stanza, For Valentines Day last year, I gave you a half of a key chain, The words, reflected how I felt, just like a mirror: "The lord watch over me, And thee, While we are absent from one another." -- I don't think it flows very well, any suggestions? "The worst of what people do to one another is deceive. Because when you love someone you control their version of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact, not their true situation at all. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Crystal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Crystal, I've read this a couple times recently so I don't know if you've been misled or it is indeed a common misperception but CA is not really about giving suggestions; it is about giving opinions (good or bad) in the hope that that helps both the writer and the reader improve their writing (and their reading). A subtle difference perhaps but still a difference. Otherwise, we would have to actually pretend we know what were doing.  That said, it's kind of hard to determine what 'flow' you're looking for here. As I read it, you've got a free verse, unstable rhyme scheme going here. Generally, free verse and rhyme don't work very well together (there are exceptions) and an unstable rhyme scheme is generally not used as well (okay, okay, Rober Frost does it occasionally but I would argue that he has thematic reasons for his unstable rhyme scheme). So, from my point of view, I honestly don't know what 'flow' you want to do here. Actually the stanza that you are having problems with is probably the strongest here: For Valentines Day last year, I gave you a half of a key chain, --think about what the key chain represents and the idea of 'half'. If you expand and control this image, I think you could have a much better 'love lost poem here'. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Don't forget you've only got half (more about that later). The words, reflected how I felt, just like a mirror: --Again, I would take this mirror image and fly with it. Maybe even go so far and write the message backwards (in a mirror, you see). I think this could open up a number of different options for you and some really great imagery as well. "The lord watch over me, And thee, --to those archaic fans, I'm still not one of you but this is a quote so I have to let it go. While we are absent from one another." --You've got the quote from the key chain but you only have half of it. Why not play with that idea (and hell change the quote if you want) and only give have of it, tantalize the reader with some ending that needs to be finished because the two of you are no longer together. See what I'm trying to get at? Anyway, I found this a bit back but I do hope you actually read this. Just some suggestions, Brad |
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