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acid rain
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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acid rain |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
Silent acid rain you owe me nothing , For the last time you emerged it bought only pain, When your ran through those hidden valleys of my very being, You lit me up on fire, I was wiped away clean. Silent acid rain your owe me nothing, I stopped loving you ages ago, Your touch is darkness , a slow poison, Your beauty is gone ,your winds have grown slow, Like old times , now, when you catch me by surprise , Cool tears on my dead skin feeds me only lies, Silent acid rain your owe me nothing, I gave away my secrets, naïve I was , only to feel shame, Moonlight whispers , shared agonies is all a bleak past , nothing's the same. The last time you came ,a stranger you seemed, for my soul you killed! A saint you are called , pure and gentle , but you too have secretly sinned, Ooh silent acid rain….in your glassy dreamy structure blood is all I see, You had me dreaming . longing for love , but hate was all you reaped, Years ago when you came , you brought gifts of hope and smiles, Now as those dark clouds gather …fierce and hungry, My salvation , today , once again dies.. Oh silent acid rain , you owe me nothing… For once long ago , your soft feathery touch , gave me life, wanting more of your fiery feel, You have lost your magic , your holy powers , to think you could help me heal! I discard you like a forgotten tommorow , on me you have no claim , Basking in glory , I bathe in the sun , I m free of you , oh cruel rain! Touch me once again and I will die for all times, 'Cause that's what water is to a dying flame!sf |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Faith, You have an interesting premise and the potential for some really interesting fusion imagery here but I think you need to have some more control, more focus in exactly what you want to accomplish here. Just a few points: The idea of 'acid rain' at some earlier point in time being something you enjoyed seems a bit misplaced. Perhaps, a contrast with non-acid rain would be more suitable or show the ignorance/innocence of the speaker by claiming that she didn't know it was 'acid'. In the first stanza, you say 'You lit me up on fire' but the last stanza uses a more traditional metaphor 'Cause that's what water does to a dying flame!'. I think it may be possible to do that but you've got show some sort of narrative line to make that a bit more believable. Right now, I just don't see it. Why does 'acid rain' have to owe you anything? Again, if you bring out a sort of ex-lover/acid rain fusion image more clearly, I think this could work but at the moment, I just feel confused. How about a rewrite? Just an opinion, Brad |
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