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falling awake
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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falling awake |
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branique New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6 |
On the edge, glaring down into the darkness not knowing where it ends, leaning over straining to find the darkness unto its end. The edge crumples then gives in, falling through the darkness not knowing where it ends, screaming first in fright, then cursing loud in anger, never really ever knowing if my life's in danger, wiping tears from my eyes, getting use to the falling felling , plunging deeper and faster into the darkness, the panick is gone, I know how I will stop this, I see it, the bottom is coming, its still far away the faster im falling, fear is buiding, my body is trembling my voice echoing through the darkness not realizing im screaming, closer and closer the bottom comes nearer the perpose for life is know coming clearer, hear it is . oh lord the moment of truth, I cover my head, then hit, awakin' trembling in bed. [This message has been edited by branique (edited 02-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 branique - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello Branique: Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis. This can be a tough place (we all try to be as honest and helpful as possible) but I trust you can handle a little constructive criticism. The first thing I would do here is modify the format. Flow is essential in free-verse. While I don't have nearly as much experience with free-verse poetry as I do with structured poetry, I think my betters in the area of free-verse would agree with me here. Here is my suggested reformat: On the edge, glaring down into the darkness not knowing [where] it ends, leaning over straining to find the darkness unto its end. The edge crumples then gives in, falling through the darkness not knowing [where] it ends, screaming first in fright, then cursing loud in anger, never really ever knowing if [my] life's in danger, wiping tears from [my] eyes, getting use to the falling felling plunging deeper faster into the darkness. The panic is gone, [I know how I will] stop this, I see it, the bottom is coming, still far away faster falling, fear buiding, body trembling voice echoing through the darkness im screaming, closer and closer the bottom is nearer the purpose for life is now clearer, oh lord the moment of truth, I cover my head, then hit, awaken trembling in bed. I tried to bracket where I've edited some wording. I also compacted some phrases from three or four to one or two words. I thought this quickened the pace a little (you WERE falling).  All in all, I think this was an interesting read AND ride. Thanks and, again, welcome. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Branique. I wanted to add my welcome to Passions. I won't try to comment on your free verse except to say that it does seem to read a little easier in the shorter lined format as suggested above. Again welcome and try to have fun here. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Branique I see my handsome and talented fiend Jim has been here before me and his partner in sestina crimes the equally talented and even more handsome but far more modest, Pete. All I can do under these circumstances is to echo Jim's comments about the layout and to say that I liked the idea and the title and as one of my peers (Jenni I think) has recently said the idea is at least half the battle. I hope we see some more from you soon. Philip PS It was a typo but i decided it was maybe nearer the truth so I left it ..lol  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello again Branique: Don't be fooled ... Philip MEANT to call me a "fiend". He is sort of the court jester in this realm. In time you'll get use to him. Philip (and Jenni, for that matter) are right that the idea is half the battle. Later. Jim |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like the insane feel of this poem, and i see how the format could add to that feeling. that being said, it is extremely hard to read. perhaps a change of format as has been suggested, or you could do as emily dickinson did and punctuate it with dashes, making the number of words per line shorter, and adding to the feel of craziness. when dickinson wrote a poem, the more dashes she had, the more intense the poem was. On the edge- glaring down into the darkness not knowing where it ends- leaning over- straining to find the darkness unto its end doesn't work so well with that line, but that is a thought. i think it's a pretty good poem though. extraordinary courage in posting it here. |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
welcome let me just say that you've started off on the right foot although i agree with the aforementioned critiques concerning the presentation... i still feel the content, and that's, in my opinion, what a poem should make one do very good work feel free to keep it up and welcome again To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Welcome, Branique. Now you have a taste of our random welcoming committee. Let me just add that the mounting excitement, in either version, seemed to end rather flatly (as the falling "you" might end up, actually) when it all turned out to be "only" a dream. Isn't that too easy an evasion? What would happen if you really reached the bottom and *went through* . . . to what? Can you dare to think of it? Again, welcome. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome branique! I can see you've met the Three Sonneteers. They are always up to mischief, so watch out. In actuality, you can learn a lot from them. Jim's advice was right on, as usual. I wrote a "falling" piece a while back, but especially in the new format, I like yours much better. Again, welcome, and hope your stay in CA is long and enjoyable. This is THE place to post if you want to learn as you write. Kris Philip...caught that right away. Thought you did it on purpose and chuckled to myself. "We of the craft are all crazy..." Lord Byron |
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