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Open Poetry #46
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The "Poem-o-matic" (And a 1, and a 2, and away we go !)
| Open Poetry #46 |
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The "Poem-o-matic" (And a 1, and a 2, and away we go !) |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Though time to time my poem "career's" been how you say "ho hum", my countless readers want to know "Where does this stuff come from ?" Today I will divulge it's source if you will bear with me, and promise not to tell a soul what you're about to see. The "Poem-o-matic" gals and gents, lay here before your eyes. I built it over many years from things I theorize were similar to Fermi Labs whose research at the time had more to do with particles than poetry and rhyme. I put some words and phrases in and hit this button here, accelerate them to great speed and... out pops Balladeer! Oh wait, wrong button, darn it all, we'll try this one like so... Oh crap! Dear God in heaven folks this thing just spit out Toe! Okay thats's it, you darn machine, let's try to do this right, just show the nice folks how you work, they haven't got all night. We put new words and phrases in and pull this lever... BANG! Oh now for the love of Christ! That's it, it's LngJhnAng ! You talk about "weird science" folks, if this don't take the cake... one "literary genius" and two poets who're half baked! I'll just make some more adjustments and be back in just a bit, unless someone beats me to it and contributes to this skit. [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (07-29-2010 06:13 PM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL OK Sir Moose... should we cll Ron Popiel and have him consult on your gadget? I understand he inspired the all time great Bass-O-Matic and may be able to provide you some insight. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Cpat, Welcome aboard, lol, yup, ain't nothin' quite like a good fish frappe' , you just may be in for another wild ride. Doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
"Poem-o-matic" ( part 2 ) When last we left my poem machine was not quite working right. since then I have been working on it non-stop day and night. Such pressure and a lesser moose most surely would have cracked, my calculations this time folks are no less than exact. The "Poem-o-matic's" like a ship, she can be hard to steer, she needs a captain at her helm, someone like Balladeer, to safely navigate a course away from Jhn and Toe, who've "elevated" poetry down to an all time low. So Balladeer, she's all tuned up, awaiting your command. I think you'll find that she performs quite well, but understand, You must protect her from the likes of those two, Jhn and Toe for they would take her places only fools would make her go! Andrew Scott's in engineering you may want to trade "high fives" 'cuz aboard the "Poem-o-matic" it's okay to drink and drive! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
oh my... were I a hand with rhyme I might sign up as crew but as it is I'm sad to say my wits they are too few |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
News Flash! This just in from Unknown soruces: Dr. Frankenmoose it would now seem Unveiled his terrible Poem-a-matic scheme Intent I am sure and without reservations To lure into his trap poets from all nations He’s taunted we know the great sainted Toe Cast his net for the sailor to get him in tow And now reaches out to add to the crew For voyage of distraction to fool all but a few The plot would now thicken if this were real gravy But we all know it’s the kind you get in the Navy So suffice it so that you should lock away safe All your poems and verse all the wives and the waifs Who knows indeed what evil or malice in the heart of Dr. Frankenmoose yet lurks let's all just hope it doesn't work! |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Usually, rhyming poetry causes me to simply hit the "X" and move along to the next one; however, I do not feel that being trampled by a Moose for doing so would be an enjoyable experience, so I continued on the journey. I am both glad and sad I have done so: I am glad that I was able to experience such a fine, fine example of comedic poetry (what do you mean you were being serious?? uh... oops). I am sad, because I was laughing so hard that I started to choke from laughing with a mouthful of tea, and now, I have to wipe off the computer at work, and my throat hurts from coughing and laughing at the same time (both to excess). Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, "WHAT A RIDE |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
CPat, the "Poem-o-matic" surely isn't like you say, and I'm no evil genius, but I'm glad you came to play. It's been a while since someone joined and helped to chart a course, but,"Frankenmuth's" in Michigan or I'm a talking horse! My "Poem-o-matic" time machine (the newest version's great) will whisk you off through history, but even better, wait, I put a safety switch on it to lock out Jhn and Toe, whose rather tawdry history is no place one should go! Dear readers, do not be alarmed, I would not hurt a flea, that is of course unless he'd make a dinner out of me. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Ah Ringo, There's danger 'round every turn, lol. Sorry about the mess, send the clean up bill to my agent, oh wait, that's right, I don't have one. Okay, send it to Cpats' agent then. Doc |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
hey hey hey... I am just reporting from unknown sources and participating in the great American heritage of tabloid press!! If there is no truth to what I say, my answer would be why would you expect there to be, after all it was a news flash. as for cleaning bills? YOu are on your own Ringo. We are clearly not responsible for uncontrolable laughter. I am sure no court in the land would be convinced that I was humurous or that I had even half the wits it would take to make such stuff up on my own.. :-) |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
LOL Great fun as always! I love poems that rhyme and you DR. do it well. Kat =^..^= |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
katahdin,many thanks for your read and review. There is oodles of room we hope you'll join us too. Please do not hesitate to say what you see friends , more than likely it will be resolved in the end. Doc [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (07-27-2010 11:01 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok, I tried and tried... I died and died.  But I'll read it all night long! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
The time machine is ready but she's sitting here in "park". Just waiting on her captain, could it be he's lost his spark? And, engineering's absent having failed to heed the call, sometimes I kinda wonder why I write these things at all. And then a small voice answers "Cuz they're funny you nitwit!" So my readers if you're ready let us just get on with it. On the first part of our journey we stopped off in Frankenmuth, where they're really big on "Christmas", go check out Kerns' sausage booth. After that we went to Ringos' to enjoy a spot of tea, which he sprayed on his computer laughing uncontrollably. There're some questions about cleanup and associated fees so it's now in litigation by the barristers, oh geez! As this story line unravels we're left hanging by a thread, we could use a ray of Sunshine, but her efforts done fell dead! So dear readers please be patient while I ponder things about, onward to some destination I have yet to figure out. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) hmmm..... a time machine without a captain or an enginering crew, certain claims and litigations to find out if they're true. A lack of destination that is very clear..as is the fact sausages are good anytime of year... I must check my sources and see what story lies beneath these murky waters and in alleys filled with spies |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
It has come to my attention my dear readers if you please, that there is a certain faction bent on journalistic sleaze. As this is a "family" story there are places I won't go, so to hell with Nielson ratings, put your clothes back on there Toe! You've offended little Johnny, not to mention Balladeer, with your dangling participles these good folks can see from here! My apologies dear readers please don't judge too harshly though, for he knows not what he's doing, it's okay because he's Toe! And no sailors wearing "g" strings ! Man, I just don't give a dang! There's no way I'm gonna have it even if it's LngJhnAng! Um, excuse me my dear readers for my little outburst there, all this pressure's quite disturbing though it seems that no one cares. We return now to our story, which is all commercial free. ( To be re-negotiated for a product placement fee. ) [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (07-29-2010 11:26 AM).] |
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Eldest Member
since 2010-06-15
Posts 177Alabama |
keep going!!!!!!!!!! |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Oh you are just so funny! Loving every word of these. Words are weapons, toss them with care. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
From the "Eldest" to the youngest, and Mysteria I see, it must be this kind of nonsense gained in popularity. I had thought of maybe trying to bring this thing to a close but since no one likes a quitter I'll just step some more on Toes'. It's back to the "Poem-o-matic' to fix more of what ain't broke, I been kinda hoping Jhn and Toe and Deer can take a joke. I throw in some new catch phrases and a couple old buzz-words make a couple extra keystrokes and... voila! But that's absurd! 'Cuz instead of "half baked poets" and a "genius" like last time, now I got this big dumb moose here that just keeps on spouting rhyme! And, Man! He looks familiar like we've met somewhere before, I just knew I shouldn't have used those parts from Toerags' discount store. Oh well, if you'll just sit tight folks I'll see what I can do, to pull this thing together so it makes some sense to you. [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (07-29-2010 06:19 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
There's one thing I just can't resist and that's an S.O.S. It's seems that "Poem-O-Matic" thing was really in a mess! I got the call from Doctor Moose that it was moving slow, Affrected by the viruses of old LongJohn and Toe! Poor Norton couldn't do the trick. No firewall kept them out. McAfee didn't have a chance. It didn't have the clout. That Webroot software swore that it could always do the trick But, even after all these things, the poor machine was sick! When Toerag came out with a poem, a ballad or an ode It sent poor folks with weaker stomachs straight to the commode! When LongJohn wrote a haiku, sonnet or a limerick It made the readers nauseous which got them very sick. Bill Gates himself threw up his hands and muttered in disgust, "Those viruses are gonna turn my Windows into dust!" The Apple didn't fare much better, rotted to the core And hardrives turned to ashes every time that Toerag swore. I smiled and said, "Ok then, Moose, I'll give it my best shot." "I know how quick those viruses turn poetry to rot." Toerag was not a Trojan, though he used them quite a bit And LongJohn was a replicator, replicating, er, spit! I found them hiding in the forums, plotting their next poem And said, "Hey, guys, do just one thing and Passions is your home!' "If you can do this task, you will be be welcome all the time." "All you have to do is is write a poem that can rhyme!" Well, Toerag said, "A piece of cake! A rhyming poem? Great!" "I'll have this sucker written down before our double-date." "LongJohn and I are taking Sunshine and Serenity" "For a little cruise out on his dinghy "Serendipity"! And so the duo started out. They really had a time. No matter what they did, their poem simply didn't rhyme! They tried again and failed again as hours went flying by. Poor Toerag screamed, "I'm gonna make it rhyme before I die!!" Well, that was several months ago and they are at it still. They haven't made two lines rhyme yet and I don't think they will. The Poem-O-Matic works good now that they're out of the way And Passions is a place again where poets come to play. The duo's now confined to what we call poetic hell And no one's gonna let them out, not even Ron Carnell. The fungus that's among us is a problem that's been cured. As long as they can't rhyme two lines, our future is secured. |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Engineering to sick bay stall In rhyming answer of your call Andrew Scotty reports Doc Moose What once was tight is now let loose For working poem-o-matic Does not come so automatic But takes thyme to basil my mind And rhyming tools I first must find Then these nuts I must twist and turn And switch switches to electrical burn Then these bolts must strip of thread To run like crippled quadruped Though I’m more concerned about this leak Spilling anti matter as I speak For the dylithium crystal’s been cracked up And the EverReady bunny is jacked up But never mind, the captain’s here Our rhythm perfect Balladeer With rhyming skills to steer this ship I’m sure he’ll mend it with a quip As for me, it's time for a snack Warp-drive a wiener with six-pack But I’m missing an item in the fridge Have you any mustard up on the bridge? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Mustard on the bridge? Right on!! Come enjoy some Grey Poupon!  A captain well-prepared I am. Just bring the buns. I have the SPAM!! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Woo Hoo ! The "Poem-o-matic's" fixed, the Toe and LngJhn virus nixed! As Lewis Carrol's apt to say, "Oh Frabjous Day!" "Callooh!' "Callay!" It's great! Deers' antivirus works and fixed the "Poem-o-matics'" quirks With Mr. Scott in engineering there's no more problems with the steering. And , so dear readers now you know where this stuff comes from's just like so the interface twixt mind and pen, my buddies made it work again! She's A-okay and up to snuff but Dang! You guys took long enough! "To death" I'd just 'bout bored these folks but thanks you two, and that's no joke. Well folks , I really have to go, before I do , one question though, Now that my secret's been un-masked are you not sorry that you asked? |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
I assure each of you, I have never suffered such offense, Lumping me in with Toerag doesn't make a lick of sense. There must be some poor physicists at the Fermi labs, Who can't tell the great difference between my poetry and Toerag's. Dr. Moose number 1 needs an engineering doctorate, It's clear his proctology degree isn't a proper fit. The Poem-o-matic is a kluge of faulty cogs and gears, It's obvious when it concludes there's a "poet" named Balladeer. Perhaps some sage advice would place Moose upon the path, That would result in a Poem-a-matic that didn't foster wrath. Start designing with only the finest parts that you can find, Such as those exhibited by Southern and Sunshine. Throw in some pirate features that only I can supply, Add aligator tears for lubricating words as they pass by. Then tighten up the nuts (that would be Deer and Toerag), The resulting Poem-a-matic will be money in the bag. If I can be of service as you perfect your new device, Think nothing of it, I'll send you an estimate of the price. I'll throw in some extra features that will make it work just fine, (Like adding my name to the title of every Balladeer rhyme). |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Some viruses are tricky, they just keep coming back, But I've got "Deer 360" to fend off this attack! The Andrew Scott 2000 steering system's fine. About your offer LngJhnAng, afraid I must decline. There's talk of "Trojans" and of "Worms" and "Toerags" in cahoots. The "Poem-o-matic's" working fine, with out any re-boots. While I agree about the ladies' quality of parts, parading 'round in G-strings ain't the "Performing Arts!" You've bumped up 'gainst that fire-wall installed by Balladeer, so back in quarantine you go, I'll tell him you were here. |
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Eldest Member
since 2010-06-15
Posts 177Alabama |
I am in awe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Eldest Member
since 2010-06-15
Posts 177Alabama |
I am in AWE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
With trojans and worms, and Toerags too There’s not much fixin’ I can do Add to this pirate-virus-software Press control-alt-delete for poetic repair Engineering to Captain Balladeer Hello! Is there anybody out there? Attempted a reboot, got sandals instead Toes are quite visible, with alien head It’s got three green eyes and one blue ear And what looks like a tap for draft near beer Requestin’ we pour into space this reject Before the whole ship it seeks to infect Warning! Warning! Pirates on board A rhyming viral poetic hoard Wearing long-johns of silver thread Looking for a privy as their head Batten down all hatches! Secure all johns! Deny them access to all vital Rons! The Poem-O-Matic is under attack! From Toes and Pirates seeking vocal ransack The transporter room might I suggest Where atoms are scrambled for easy digest Then reconfigure to a manageable state Perhaps then we’ll be able to relate We’ve got both locked in porter system Reconnect quick, then fire modem Initiate Toe-Jam Silver-Pirate Protocol Well look at that, it’s a Captain Balladeer reinstall |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
hmmmm....I see the sailor has shown up so I'd better re-issue my virus alert. Attention, Passion poets! You are now on full alert! A virus is among us that is known as "Little Squirt"! This virus will wreak havoc on your hard drive and your mind And, should you contract it, it puts a pain in your behind! It hides itself in poetry that's written by LongJohn. We thought we had it conquered. For a long time it was gone But it has now resurfaced and is spreading through the site... It acts like it is friendly but it packs a real bite. It will first mess up your senses and then you will blow a fuse. Fractured bits of poetry are weapons it will use. Your memory will be erased of all thoughts bright and clear. It's only been defeated by your good friend, Balladeer. If you have a cat at home....poor thing...your pet is gonna die Dead kitties always seem to put a gleam in LongJohn's eye. So don't open LongJohn's postings or you will be sorry after... Your computer will be history and you both will die.....of laughter! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
May as well follow it with the Toe alert Samson had Delilah Who betrayed him with her spiel. Road Runner had Coyote out To have him for a meal. Holmes had Moriarty As his ever-present foe. Batman had the Joker... Here at Passions - we've got Toe. Mighty oaks have dry-rot, Orchids get a fungus. That pales by comparison To what we have among us. Heads of hair have bald spots We comb so it doesn't show. Titanic had the iceberg.... Here at Passions - we've got Toe. Ain't it strange how Mother Nature Loves to mix and match? Throw a fly in every ointment Just to see us scratch? Oceans have pollution. Dogs and cats come down with fleas. What we have is so much worse Than any one of these... Tweety had that "puddy tat" To fill his life with woe Riding Hood had big, bad wolf.. At Passions - we've got Toe!!  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
And rising to occasions, I can see I've got my friends. I Taught I taw a puddy tat, will this thing never end? My Lord, oh dearest readers, this is quite a pickled stew! How long this will keep going rests it fate on all of you! |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
A virus here A virus there A virus I don’t care to share For silver pirate Has more than scurvy And Toe’s a jam That’s topsy-turvy So vaccinate It’s not to late To vaccinate Vaccinate us all With rhythm And with rhyme Both will protect us just like lime A poetic acid To keep us free From rhythmic flu Syllabic palsy So vaccinate It’s not to late To vaccinate Vaccinate us all Yo Doc Moose, you must secure With vocab that is pure Inject us with your cure Of poetic literature So vaccinate It’s not to late To vaccinate Vaccinate us all |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
There is no need to panic folks just 'cuz this poem's gone "viral". We will not let you get sucked into LgnJhns' downward spiral. Might I suggest a slight foray to change your attitude? The sick-bay's a good place to start to elevate your mood. It's not a real sick-bay of course, more like the "Corner Pub", so belly right up to the bar and have one on me , Bub! Those rumors of a "Toe" disease are much exaggerated, a few of these and you won't need to be innoculated. 'Sides I ain't seen no "Toes" about, that's just a bunch of hooey! He wouldn't dare set foot in here 'cuz I know Hong Kong Fooey! So, just relax, enjoy your drink and leave the rest to us, The "poem-o-matic's also known as "Ye Old Sillybus. " Or, maybe not, I done forgot with all these darn plot twists, in fact right now I ain't too sure which one of "me" exists! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Since by now I have pretty much milked this for all it was worth and then some, I will leave you with this, the "not so grand" finale. And so my dearest readers if your poem drive's running slow, protect your vital data from the likes of Jhn and Toe. Install Balladeer 360 and a Scott 2000 drive the finest in protection and that ain't no shuck and jive. I hope that you've enjoyed this tale, my thanks to cast and crew, some for participating, some for not, 'cuz that works too. The end result's 'bout laughter as when all is said and done, 'fore they put us out to pasture, we should have a little fun. And dear readers let me tell you, that is what I will do, 'twill be freezing down in Hades before this moose says "moo!" |
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