just expressing - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

twistedpup
Member

since 2011-02-25

Posts 115

0 posted 2012-01-15 03:20 AM

Finally winter whispers in,
on a light blanket of snow.
Cold winds whipping.
Trees are swaying,
naked with out their leaves,
shivering.

Like a set of ribs with no meat,
you see every thing.
Every inperfection, crack or missing peice.
No secrets can they keep.
No more hiding.
Unable to breath with out sighing.

They want more then what is there.
Taking hits with out care.
Expecting old words to flow freely.
Nothing but silence
re-occuring.

Sleepless nights, tired days.
Slipping in to a gray haze.
Screaming nightmares keeping u awake.
Ending with a goodnight kiss
over a text message.
For some reason feeling,
this poem is unfinished.....

*hugs*

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2012-01-15 06:48 AM

Much unsettling is the theme of this goody. Using the barren tree as a metaphor is very good. And yes, I have a feeling that this is an unfinished poem.

~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways ~*~

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

2 posted 2012-01-15 07:33 AM

"naked with out their leaves,
shivering.

Like a set of ribs with no meat"

Very good metaphor, crude but placed well.

"Nothing but silence
re-occuring."

Another good one.

"Ending with a goodnight kiss
over a text message."

Now you have taken the nature metaphors into the electronic age.
These lines bring your poem into the focus of present reality.
Placed well near the end of the poem, where it should be.

"For some reason feeling,
this poem is unfinished....."

Indeed, this poem, and in reality all poems, are always unfinished.

I enjoyed reading this poem.

twistedpup
Member

since 2011-02-25

Posts 115

3 posted 2012-01-15 01:41 PM

Thank you both so much for all your feedback, this is why i write and continue to write for the inspiring feedback and comments thank you both again i will be sure to read a poem each of yours.

*hugs*

JL
Member Ascendant

since 2004-04-01

Posts 6128
Texas, USA

4 posted 2012-01-15 05:17 PM

"Ending with a goodnight kiss
over a text message.
For some reason feeling,
this poem is unfinished....."

Enjoyed the read. Compelling.
This close is great, love the thought
that there is more to come.

JL

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul,and with all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Maranatha!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.