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Open Poetry #47
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Paradox. (A poem for the anniversery of my friend's death.)
| Open Poetry #47 |
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Paradox. (A poem for the anniversery of my friend's death.) |
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
My friend died exactly one year ago, on january fifth, 2010. She was only 18, and was hit by a car. This is a poem for her. Honest opinions please. I wrote it quickly, but I would like to know of any weak spots or what you thought in general. Thanks! xoxo, Jaki H --------------------------------------- Paradox. ---------- No matter what- rich, poor, genius, not, people long for what they can’t have. This paradox seems all too funny. Only a year since your death, and we still Cry because you’ve left us, because you’ll never return Because you’re dead, and here we are, still breathing and living and dreaming of a better tomorrow. Our lamentations are a symphony of sorrow and remembrance, each year growing more ritualistic. I bet you’re in heaven, laughing at our foolishness I bet you’re crying with shaking laughter at the bitter irony of it all because you see what we see, but in reverse we, who want so bad for you to come back, and you, peering at us foolish. if you could reach down, touch us with hands sending shivers up our backs, you would lean close and whisper it is us who are mistaken, and heaven is wonderful. We should join you up there with angels and soft dew drops, there, where each cloud has a shining silver lining Why suffer, why feel empty, why long for death yet fear it so? why live on pills, with empty promises that a swallow will solve the misery? You know it won’t, and if it does, it’s just until the next swallow. Why live living on swallows, when heaven is just a car crash away? Only a year since your death, and here I am, deathly alive Only a year since your death, and there you are, my little rotting angel It’s funny, this paradox, that you should be wanted on earth, and us longed for in heaven. That both want What we can’t have. |
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| © Copyright 2011 Jacqueline M. H. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
You wrote from the heart and I felt that. I really liked -- "Why live living on swallows, when heaven is just a car crash away?" I didn't really like the "rotting angel" - it jarred me and maybe that is intentional on your part. I am not suggesting you change it - just didn't work well for me. I liked it. It was a sensitive and interesting poem. Thank you for sharing something that is close to your heart. I can tell that you miss your friend. Thinking of you and your poem. Alison |
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JerryPat Senior Member
since 2010-10-30
Posts 1991Louisiana/America |
It's tough to lose someone we care deeply about. This poem speaks of those kind of losses quite well. ~ Intolerant people are the people who do not believe the way we want them to, |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
I commented on this in the Teen Poetry Forum. i like it. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!" |
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
hmmm... then do you think maybe it would be stronger if I eliminated that "this paradox seems all too funny" line? I feel like it might flow better without it, and I establish the whole paradox thing at the end.... |
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JDH Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12Illinois, U.S. |
yeah..the line "this paradox seems all too funny" is a tad redundant, but it's splitting hairs, really. the line "Why live living on swallows when heaven is only a car crash away" was a rare kind of witty...all in all, excellent perspective and even better writing  |
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
JDH, thanks for the honesty! I reviewed my poem a bit earlier today, and came to the same conclusion myself. Hearing you say it definately solidifies my thoughts! Yup, line eliminated. Thanks!!!! |
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