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Open Poetry #45
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Fresh Shave
| Open Poetry #45 |
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Fresh Shave |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Wake before the sun Stretch and groan Yawn and shiver in the cold Half asleep ready for the day Go through the motions It's all been done Fellin good with your fresh shave -Maybe your hairs laid just right Got your new shoes on -Dress fit nice and tight Your phone glued to your ear You lovin' the day so much You just- Got. To. Share. Slip out the back, don't wake the family Roll down the street, engine off- calmly You ready for your date You never knew you'd be on your way to pick her up The beautiful dark skinned girl with the C-cup Hah-hahaha-hah One hand on the wheel Seat leaned far back Steady thumpin- loud enough To rattle the steel You just lovin life Sun rise freezes you in your spot Red light Enjoy the present from God you caught Shes ready for you now Can't wait to spend the day With the boy shes been Smiling all week for Life is sweet, couldn't ask for more And while the music cranks down to an end You hear the click behind you- the hammer drop You can't move a muscle just feel your heart stop Paint your blue candy paint, red. Blood stain White leather interior Lay your head to rest Your family will never know That at your best You were the happiest Over a fresh shave. "Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it." |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zachariah Gavia-Peyton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AncientHippie Member
since 2009-10-15
Posts 411Surfing the Cosmic Flow |
A very tragic and heavy write this morning, Zachary. Nicely developed (although the C cup stuff was unnecessary and brought the tone of the poem down), and then that slamdunk at the end. Wow. Leaves me just a bit breathless. Very nice bit of work here, Lost-Poet. Much appreciated. Jim "We are stardust: we are golden: and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." --Joni Mitchell "Woodstock" |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
I placed it there to show the age of the man, obviously young. Thank you for your response. |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
nice work and I agree with AncientHippie you showed the age of the young man well enough |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
I guess the point was pretty missed. Immaturity over the fact that he is going for body-figure rather then personality. Love over Lust. A personality in which most of the age I was going for. Not to mention; The poem is about a kid I knew personally, whether you disliked the comment or not it fits him perfectly. |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I thought it was fine in first person narritive. Even though the quote was demeening to the girl, the author meant to inflate the charectars ego to cement the message. If the author were to discribe the girl that way in third person it would be insulting. I liked the poem Juju -Juju |
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MorningStar Member
since 2009-10-26
Posts 290Pittsburgh, Pa |
This is an amazing piece. I work with teens (mostly inner city) and this could have been any one of my boys. Sneaking out, taking a parents car (without permission - though they swear up and down that it isn't stealing) to "hook-up" with some girl they like. Sadly, some of their stories have ended sorta like this also. I kinda feel like crying... Aenea If I don't say it...who will? [This message has been edited by MorningStar (12-17-2009 06:23 PM).] |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Thank you both very much. |
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