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Evils Pretty Face
| Open Poetry #45 |
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Evils Pretty Face |
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abhursty Junior Member
since 2009-02-25
Posts 45 |
This is my longest poem yet. It's based on the book The Swan Kingdom, by Zoe Marriott. Tell me how I can fix it and your views on it. Evils Pretty Face A duck in a world of swans clouded. Father not loving so poorly ill founded. A loss of a mother, painful but true. Try as she might there was nothing she could do. Her mother was quickly replaced, Just because of a pretty face. The beast takes over the house, over the king, Only because she wears a powerful ring. Three loving brothers thrown out into the dead of night. More then enough to give a young girl a fright. The wedding of horrors happens in just one day, But before she can try again she is sent away. Swans wake her up and guild her through, So she can see midlands ghastly hue. She was sent to a house with modern décor, So her aunt can finish her fathers score. Eyes of storm clouds wild but sweet. The perfect guy for her to meet. The enaid might have left her, but not the sun, For she has found her only one. A lovers kiss, a painful goodbye. When they left she could only ask why, They will meet again seasons later, By then she could be removed by her hater. She was thrown into a bleak world of despair, Just like the snow, it fell everywhere. All hopes wither as soon as they bloom. As much as she wished as she could see them soon. She was later poisoned to forget, Only so she wouldn’t cause a fret. Life as she knew it is ebbing away, So for the night she will just lay, Waiting for death to come find her, Just as the beast tried to undermine her. The eye of the storm saves her again, So soon she can see David, Hugh, and Robin. Banished like her brothers from her old home and life, All because the king wanted a new wife. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Abigail Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Beautifully captured. I think it went together perfectly. |
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therightside Member
since 2009-12-09
Posts 64USA |
I particularily found this line to be really beautiful "Eyes of storm clouds wild but sweet" I think it has a great story line and has some really great lines that stand out, I really liked all of it. I wouldn't normally leave advice unless asked for, here you did, and I don't think it needs much work at all. The only suggestion I might make is to maybe take out some of the 'she's' and/or other words beginning several of the sentences or that repeat as to really allow these beautiful and meaningful words you have written to stand on their own and make the impact they are so deserving of. I really like this poem, nicely done.  |
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