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Open Poetry #45
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Kit McCallum
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since 2000-04-30
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Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2009-09-22 09:53 PM


(for my mom, who passed away August 27, 2009)
.
.
.
Missing You


I thought I knew loss.
I thought I knew pain.
I thought I knew the hollow, aching emptiness of grief.

But your loss?

It hits me like a 2 by 4,
     Over …
     And over …
     And over again.

It’s as if I constantly “forget” you are gone.
     I live in a daze where each fresh reminder
     hits again like the very first
          in a rush of knowing …
          in a flood of hurt
               untouched and pristine in it’s cruel originality.

It’s like a craving …
     The hurt gnaws deep into the pit of my chest
          and it stays there
          ripping and tearing
          as if some alien being is trying to claw it’s way out from within.

It comes with an insurmountable need
     to see you again,
     to hear your voice,
     to have you beside me if only for
          one …
               more …
                    day.

Just one more day.

One more day knowing and understanding in my heart of hearts
     that it would only bring me “more” heartache,
          as I push back the notion that it would mean losing you
               all …
                    over …
                         again.

It’s not that I “need” to speak with you.

It’s not that there were words left unspoken,
     (although my mind can always conger a list of things I’d love to tell you).

No, it’s not that …
     I just want to see your smile.
     I want to feel your warmth and hear your voice.
     I want to selfishly devour the sight, sound and essence of you
          so that I can somehow capture it beyond a photo or a memory
               that so many others “tell” me will suffice.

I want to screeeeeam at the top of my lungs.

I want others to know that
     the depth of this ache …
     the force of this sorrow
          will “never” be satiated by mere memories or the acceptance
               that I was blessed to have simply “known you”

               Oh fortunate me.   Am I to be satisfied with that?

Am I to be complete and fulfilled
     knowing you now rest peacefully while
     I am left here on this Godforsaken planet,
     never to see, hear or feel your warmth again?

Am I to be
     placated by the platitudes,
     soothed by the sentiments, and
     appeased by the expressions of those
          who believe that time will heal all ills?

Do they know that I bleed these words out in a string of hurt
     that digs so deeply into this paper that little rips and gashes form
          along each pen stroke that I make?

Do they know that endless tears stain and blur the edges of these words
     as I try to comprehend why I am resigned
          to writing them down onto this paper in the midst of this
               delusional drama I find myself trapped within?

                    This
                           Cannot
                                       Be
                                             Real.

I tell myself you are NOT gone …

Oh, just WAIT until you find out about this ridiculous mistake.
     My, how we will laugh about this together.

          We WILL laugh, won’t we?

          WON’T we???

Someone  …

Shake me …

Tell me this is a dream …
Pinch me so I know this is “not” real …

     I just want to

             WAKE

                  UP!

Pleeeeeeeeeeease.
     Go ahead and wake me up and laugh with me
          BEFORE they send the white coats and straight jackets to my side.

There now.  

Did I spill enough?
     I feel momentarily better.  
     The ache is out.
     Have I written enough to let loose the pain for another day?
     For another night?

Did I hear you laugh with me just now?
     We’ve talked about this, you and I.
     High drama … from the inside out.
     I just needed a good cry (but you know that).
     Thank God I can still “feel”.  

I miss you.  
     And today?  This is what it feels like to miss you.
          Some day I know it “will” hurt less.

But simply put?
     Right now … missing you hurts like hell.

[This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (09-24-2009 02:34 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 Kit McCallum - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2009-09-22 10:45 PM


Yes, and it will continue to do so.
I'm so sorry, my dear friend, for this
unmistakable grief and pull of heart over
the happiness you should be feeling at this time;

life is fickle like that. It gives, and then takes,
and then takes some more.

Your mother knew; mine did too; even after
these 17 years now.

Funny thing; my daughter needed me to look for
some papers the other day, and I did, and found
wonderful notes from my mother that I had tucked away;

I thought I had kept one letter...but I was wrong.

Sometimes it is good to be wrong, and acknowledge
in silence, the memories.

You will have your moments, all of them, in
all of time, for all time to come.

Cherish them. We were too young to lose our
mothers so soon; but we know friends who were
younger, and became stronger because of their mothers'
undying lessons.




Mysteria
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since 2001-03-07
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British Columbia, Canada
2 posted 2009-09-23 12:03 PM


You know I feel for you so that goes unsaid.  The fact is it does suck.  It hurts in places you never knew it would, and selfishly hits you when you least expect it.  It takes a long time to realize that the phone is not going to ring again so you can hear their voice.  

Sure it gets less painful, but that empty ache won't ever go away - we just learn to find a place to put it so we can deal with it. I know this from experience as you know.

Keep working on those adjectives.  Give yourself permission to be angry,along with space for laughter.  

I hope this purge gets you through another day.  I am here there with you always.   


LindsayP
Member Elite
since 2007-07-28
Posts 3410
Australia, Victoria
3 posted 2009-09-23 12:29 PM



Dear Kit, I really feel for you my dear
for we only have one Mum and we don't really know our depth of love for her until she does pass on to that paradise up above.
When I lost my dear mother at 93, it shocked me to the core, it takes a long time for the pain to heal but time will gradually lesson the pain. You are blessed with such wonderful memories of your dear mother, memories that will comfort you in  your times of sadness and dispair. One day you will meet her again and what a happy and joyful event that will be, and I'm sure she will want you to enjoy the rest of your life, not being too sad. A heart warming tribute you have written for your Mum that I'm sure will bring a big smile to her face.
Our sympathy my dear with love & a big hug.

Lindsay

  


ESHA SEN GUPTA
Member
since 2009-09-01
Posts 108
Maharashtra,India
4 posted 2009-09-23 12:37 PM


Hallo,

Had tears while reading the lovely poem I too lost my mother and go through similar feelings
always.Thanks for the lovely poem.

Love Esha


Mistletoe Angel
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Portland, Oregon
5 posted 2009-09-23 01:19 AM




(huge sympathy and comfort hugs) Oh Kit, I'm bawling after reading this with you because the intensity that fills many lines in this brutally honest, heartaching write, from the 2X4 metaphor to the gashing disbelief over whether it's real or not, impaled the bottom of my heart too, for if seeing friends I knew pass away could leave my heart aching like this, I can't even bear to imagine how I'd feel if I lost someone in my family! (wipes tears)



I'm soooooooooo sorry for your loss, my friend, and I wish there was something I could do to alleviate some of the pain, though I know, no matter what I say or do, it can't ease a void as dear as this! (huggies) Just know that you are not alone in your grief and that, with you, we are mourning this wonderful woman together, who is and will always be ever so fortunate and happy to have such a compassionate, caring and open-hearted daughter in her life, which nothing can ever change that!



God Bless You, dearest Kit, your mother will forever be loved and remembered, thank you for sharing!

Sincerely,
Lisping Hibiscus

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

Alison
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6 posted 2009-09-23 01:32 AM


Dear Kit,

Your poem just wrenched at my heart.  I really wish I could say anything that would help take the pain and longing away.  My Mother is one of my very best friends - I know someday I will be looking this poem up to read again.  You are in my thoughts - with love,

Alison

2dalimit
Member Elite
since 2000-02-08
Posts 2228
Mississippi coast
7 posted 2009-09-23 08:18 AM


Kit,
I understand. For ten years now, I too, still miss my mom. But, like you, I can hear her laugh. I’m sorry for your loss.
God Bless,
Melton

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
8 posted 2009-09-23 10:19 AM


Yes, it's like this. I, together with many, can deeply relate to this.

My comfort is when I dream of her and see her as if in everyday's life, beautiful and serene.

So intense.

Love and hugs.
Margherita

Earth Angel
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since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
9 posted 2009-09-23 10:48 AM


Kit, I truly feel for your loss. I doubt that anyone (whether their mother has passed or not) could read this anguished outcry without getting at least a lump in their throat. I also have tears in my eyes. You express exactly how I felt when my Mom passed 3 years ago (and my father 4 weeks later). Like yourself, I wanted it all to be just a bad dream ~ one that I could wake up from...

I can imagine there may be readers who may want to pick up the phone and call their own mother, after reading this. Your words might heighten their appreciation of still having their Mom with them.

I am wrapping my arms around you with compassion and love,

Love & Eternal Light,

Linda



Misty Lilacs
Senior Member
since 2005-11-15
Posts 1060
White Birch Forest
10 posted 2009-09-23 12:38 PM


Hello Kit: I feel your loss as it brought back memories and sorrow of my own Mom's loss 3 years ago. Time will help heal the wound but there's a terrible pain and hole when one loses a mother.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

ooxx  Marti


________________________
I do the MS Walk everyday!

meljo
Junior Member
since 2009-09-24
Posts 10
CA, USA
11 posted 2009-09-24 01:53 AM


Kit, that was so sad...I feel for you eventhough I don't know you. I lost my Mom over ten years ago also. And recently lost a family friend, he was just 7 years old. I wrote three poems in three days, haven't written one in years.
Larry C
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Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
12 posted 2009-09-24 02:03 AM


Dearest Kit,
I feel your pain. How blessed you are to be able to write it out. And all of it sentiments I share deeply. May God grant you strength and courage. And may peace follow.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
13 posted 2009-09-24 09:05 AM


I still think about my mom pretty much every day - and I know that's OK... Take it as it comes, dear lady - It's the best we can do.  You're blessed to have such a wondrous person as your own mom - savor her.

Love you
Nan



Nan's Morsels Writers' Blog

Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
14 posted 2009-09-24 09:29 AM


Ah, Kit, you did not leave one emotion in the bag with this writing. You have said it all and in a way only you can.

Thank God the pain diminishes with time and the memories don't...relish the memories, my friend.

Kit McCallum
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since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
15 posted 2009-09-24 01:47 PM


You guys are so amazing.  I can’t imagine this was an easy one to respond to and yet, you all did so eloquently and so wonderfully. You each made me smile and I can feel the warmth and hugs all the way across the miles.  

Thank you very much from the bottom of this heart.  The fact that you each took the time to read through this long cry and then to let me know that you understood ... means more to me than you could possibly know or that I could possibly say.

Your words are so very much appreciated,
/Kit

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA
16 posted 2009-09-24 11:37 PM


Awwww Kit, I am so sorry for your loss. This just tugs at my heart strings. I wish my arms could reach you, so I could give you a warm, comforting hug. Sending you love and a hug.
suthern
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
17 posted 2009-09-28 01:57 PM


As heartbreaking and wrenching as this is... it's also a wonderful testament to your Mom and your relationship with her... for every painful word says LOVE.

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
18 posted 2009-09-28 09:59 PM


Kit! This is such sad news to hear. I feel for you and I hope that everything will mend in time.

I know this hurts, not by personal experience, but its safe to say that it would definitely be a hard one if that happened to me.

Sending some massive huggies your way

ARCTIC WIND

shalisadefa
Member
since 2009-08-13
Posts 114

19 posted 2009-09-29 12:00 PM


I wanted to stopp reading, because I couldn't bear your pain anymore, knowing that someday I would feel the same....

but having read this. I know now... need to spent more time, need to be more in touch.. need to say I love you so much more ... need to say thank you mom so much often

Thank you for sharing, it was my wake up call

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
20 posted 2009-09-29 07:00 PM


Fine writing...no one likes to lose the one they love...hugs...James
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
21 posted 2009-10-21 10:15 AM


Sometimes longing is tangible..

I felt it in your words.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
22 posted 2009-10-21 05:49 PM


My heart goes out to you Kit. I have lost my Dad, and my sister ( my best friend) and recently her husband and others that meant  so much to me...and scream I did and at times still do within my own walls.

Memories will always be there, but it's never enough~~

My thoughts are with you~~


M



Balladeer
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Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
23 posted 2009-10-21 09:16 PM


Kit, there is simply nothing I can think of to say here. You have expressed your loss in a way that only you can and that everyone who has suffered a similar loss can relate to.

Thank you....

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
24 posted 2009-10-22 03:11 PM


Thank you soooooooo much for your warmth, your friendship and your kind words everyone. They mean a lot to me.

My mom had always known how much Passions and all of you mean to me. She would be touched and I thank you for that and so much more.

With much appreciation,
/Kit

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
25 posted 2009-10-22 07:08 PM


Kit, You have put your heart out there and it has touched all who read it. In this way  maybe you have helped your self but I promise you, your words have helped all who read it in one way or another. sincerely, latearrival
Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
26 posted 2009-10-22 11:49 PM


Kit - I can feel your hurt when reading this writing. I wish you the best and that the pain will subside. It will...

BC

Rick
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 2903
Victoria, Australia
27 posted 2009-10-25 06:32 PM


Dear Kit, I am so sorry for your lose my friend, I feel your sorrow after reading your words and can only guess how much it hurts, our loved ones never leave in spirit and your mother will never leave you, of that I am sure. May her memories now keep you sain and her love still keep you warm.

Rick

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