»
Main Forums
»
Teen Poetry #9
»
I need your help! (i need everyones help and suggestions!!!!!!!!)
| Teen Poetry #9 |
|
I need your help! (i need everyones help and suggestions!!!!!!!!) |
|
|
I am the arch angel Member
since 2008-02-02
Posts 167nowhere,illinois,USA |
so i am writing this poem for my grandma for x-mas and i need it to be perfect so if you have any suggestions at all. please reply with them. all of them will be taken into mind!!!! An angel sent from up above gracefully flying like a dove A wonderful wife and mother too I am so lucky to have a grandma like you Your always so positive with a happy glow And a smile that is brighter than the snow And the whole family can agree when i say We can't compare to the love you've gave and i shall stand tall and proud when i say i can call this heaven-sent angel my mama So please continue to forever bless us with your presence It just wouldn't be the same to gather around this tree You truly are amazing and with that i thank you I just wanted to say mama, i love you |
||
| © Copyright 2009 Keagan lear - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I got somewhat confused as to whether this was for your Grandmother or Mother, so I took your lead from your words. This is what I came up with, taking away some words that were not necessary, and making sure your rhyme was flow.  So, here you go, have a look at these suggestions, and perhaps it will spark some changes? You're an angel sent from up above Brought to us by a graceful dove. Wonderful wife and mother too, I'm so lucky to have a Grandma like you. You're always positive with a happy glow Your smile could brighten even the snow! The entire family agrees on what I say, No one compares to your loving way. I stand tall and proud as I can say, This heaven-sent angel is my mama today. You bless us with your presence, you see, As we gather each year around the tree. You're truly amazing, I love you, I do! This is my way of saying simply, "Thank you!" By the way, Mother or Grandmother, I would sure be very proud to receive this, very nicely done! Your feelings come through loud and clear.  Happy Holidays ♥ Mysteria ♥ |
||
|
Leanne <3 Member
since 2007-08-25
Posts 216N.S.W, Australia |
awww this poem is so sweet! i agree with mysteria's suggestions it just tops it off. Your Grandmother will love it. -Lee |
||
|
m48 Member
since 2009-12-02
Posts 108 |
it gets choppy near the middle. "and the whole family will agree when i say we cant compare the love you gave" it sorta fits your ryme but it makes it sound like she has passed away and if she has im sorry if not you might want to fix that. then you go on to call her "mama" now if this is what you do call her great, but it gets confusing. finally your ending is great just maybe try to make it ryme example"so please continue to bless us with your presence, becouse youre my angel from heaven." its rough but maybe it will help. also i want you to know its what you feel not what we say that makes this poem great.your grandma will love it no matter what. |
||
|
I am the arch angel Member
since 2008-02-02
Posts 167nowhere,illinois,USA |
mys. your a genius, this is why i love passions |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well I am sure glad you love Passions  |
||
|
Zeigeist Member
since 2009-12-09
Posts 311Michigan |
A lovely tribute poem and helpful reply. wonderful. Z. |
||
|
XxForever.BrokenxX Senior Member
since 2008-01-20
Posts 891Neverland |
I'm sure she'll love it Keagan. It's a great write. {~~*~~} EmilyTheStrange |
||
|
precious pearls Member
since 2009-07-24
Posts 110NJ; United States |
I liked it alot n I agree wit Mysteria...but also I think you should stick wit "mama" cuz sum fams actually do call dere grandmas as if dey were their own mother. I called my great-grandmother "Big Ma" in fact. And a title I think would b good is "Mama", "The Angel" , or "My Love for You" Always, |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
