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Teen Poetry #9
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The Party
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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The Party |
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lee_webber666 New Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 4Torbay, Devon, UK |
(Hi this is my first ever poem, I've never shown it to anyone before so any feedback, good or bad, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks) What is it? What is it that sends us to the outside of a party, To rummage amongst the social discrimemities, the dregs, the abandoned. To dwell within the depths of our mind, Whilst others around us submerge themselves into a social bliss that has yet to exist. Constantly aware yet desperately distant, Time moves on yet stays persistent. Oh why can’t I just be like them and raise this glass to life. Unwritten laws that subdue my night, And confines me to this bitter state. Familiar strangers pass on by, Without so much as a cast of the eye. Oh why do I care, let’s drink. Let’s submerge my mind into a state of abeyance, A sea of unconsciousness harbouring the reality of my ineffectual life. Let’s drink. Until self-awareness subsides and I’m lured into a sense of social immortality. Shunned away from this state of alertness, The fear resides but fact remains. My inner being encapsulated, Within the walls of this empty shell. Let's drink. By Lee Webber |
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| © Copyright 2009 lee_webber666 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Lee, Welcome to PiP. This is a very thought-provoking poem. Sometimes I think that no one is as comfortable with others as they may appear. We all seem to have insecurities and flaws we hope that go unnoticed. Sometimes we are the only one to consider our "flaws" flaws. Sometimes others see our quirks and personality blemishes as what makes us special and unique. See you have me thinking. I like this poem and congratulate you on the courage of sharing your first poem ever. I look forward to reading more as you write more. Alison |
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Ravagence Member
since 2009-08-16
Posts 79 |
You are quite talented, although I'd like to see you try to stand out more in your poetry. |
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heartofsteel Junior Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 13Oregon, USA |
The way we see ourselves is a killer i really enjoyed this fantastic job! keep working at it and keep writing! |
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lee_webber666 New Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 4Torbay, Devon, UK |
Thank you very much everyone for the really kind words. I really didn't think it would go down well and these kind words have encouraged me to start work on my next poem. So seriously, thanks a lot! And Alison, thank you for understanding, if that is something I can thank somebody for. But seriously, that was the exact meaning of this poem, and to see somebody appreciate and take the time to think about this is a really re-assuring sign to my poetry. Thank you for taking the time out to read this, it means a lot to me. Lee Webber |
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lee_webber666 New Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 4Torbay, Devon, UK |
Thank you very much everyone for the really kind words. I really didn't think it would go down well and these kind words have encouraged me to start work on my next poem. So seriously, thanks a lot! And Alison, thank you for understanding, if that is something I can thank somebody for. But seriously, that was the exact meaning of this poem, and to see somebody appreciate and take the time to think about this is a really re-assuring sign to my poetry. Thank you for taking the time out to read this, it means a lot to me. Lee Webber |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
well done Lee. i really liked this, i would suggest spell checking all your work before submitting it. also (this is my personal opinion) you have a very advanced vocab. the words are good and relevant but so many advanced words in every sentence makes it take away from some of the simplicity. hope to read more from you. Krysti |
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madelyn Member
since 2009-09-03
Posts 172Purgatory |
This is a really good poem and has some very good lines.  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Whilst others around us submerge themselves into a social bliss that has yet to exist a very interesting thought... The only part I am not fond with is the "Let's drink" repetition, as that will solve nothing and keep you in the false sense of belonging... or following the crowd...and your other words actually give that sense of drinking. Very nice first post. Welcome M |
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Ingrediants New Member
since 2009-09-13
Posts 8 |
I liked this poem, it hit home for when i used to go to parties and just hang around the back hoping someone extroverted would start up a conversation. |
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