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Teen Poetry #9
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my own little land mine
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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my own little land mine |
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Leanne <3 Member
since 2007-08-25
Posts 216N.S.W, Australia 
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Im trying so hard To make sense of it all But you somehow have me blinded And feeling so god dam small You said that I was different That I wasn’t just a game That I meant more than all those other girls But still, you played me all the same. I fell and fell again Praying that you’d seen sense. I was wide-eyed in the dark Without an ounce of defence. I told you I was done You’d broken me down to dust I’d lost everything I was In this stupid game of lust. And again you reeled me in Played me for a fool You knew my every weakness And you used it as your fuel But now I’m saying no I’m finally taking control Perhaps a little too late When you look at what you stole You somehow had me blinded Thinking that you were my only light But now I’m strong enough to see That I’m better off alone tonight. Inside this exterior, over which the eye might have roved there was the record of a pulsing life, which had learnt too well for its years – Thomas Har |
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| © Copyright 2009 Leanne Jenkins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Assassin_of_Verse Member
since 2007-10-23
Posts 330that So Cal |
Ok, starting with wat I liked: "I was wide-eyed in the dark Without an ounce of defence." To me, "wide-eyed" sound almost innocent, kinda like a surprised kid or baby. "Without an ounce of defence." conveyed the same feeling. Your words also showed me how this person blinded u and robbed u. Um, a few things that I feel u could improve: While ur middle stanzas were pretty good, I thought ur beginning and end could've been stronger. For instance, maybe describing just how hard u were trying? (unless u meant it to be ambiguous) At the end, ur ryhme scheme is fine, but i think the overall end would flow better if u changed blinded to something else. Since ur wrapping up ur poem, (and explained just wat kind of person ur rejectin) u could show show just wat that person did, instead of repeating how blinding he was (blinding kinda gives a sense of light or purity...) Overall, it was good. I don't know u, so i cant say, but im sure u can do better? Lol, sorry for the long write. There is power in the pen. |
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Leanne <3 Member
since 2007-08-25
Posts 216N.S.W, Australia |
No thanks for the feedback, it was much appreciated, i will take it into account and go over it a few times and try to fix it up  |
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