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freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-06-18 07:39 PM

Break the bones beneath my breasts.
Let it create chaos
within my chest.
Crumble,
Crumble,
Crumble my lies within a fist.
Stuff the ashes
in my throat,
They won't be missed.

Suffocate the words of love,
The ones said,
When my other half
Was drunk.
Crumble,
Crumble,
Crumble my feelings into the dirt.
Let it fade beneath
The pebbles.
All it did, was make the ones I love,
Hurt.

Crumble,
Crumble,
Let the thoughts of me,
Crumble.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

Leanne <3
Member

since 2007-08-25

Posts 216
N.S.W, Australia

1 posted 2009-06-18 10:05 PM

this sounds like you rambling on about all your regrets and fears, but in a good way. Like we are exposed to the rush and confusion of thoughts going through your head.
i really enjoyed it.

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

2 posted 2009-06-19 12:22 PM

Wheew...

you absolutely spewed on this one. It's not bad but has a rushing quality to it...like I'm supposed to speed my way through it.

Or maybe that's just the mood I'm in...?

nehematala
Member

since 2009-05-21

Posts 129

3 posted 2009-06-19 02:57 PM

I like this poem. . It feels quick. But it is truly a wonderful poem!

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

4 posted 2009-06-20 01:35 AM

Thanks for the replies!

I did want it move a bit quick, but not too much. I haven't been able to write well lately, so I know this isn't my best

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

5 posted 2009-06-20 08:47 AM

If you removed the repetition of the word “crumble” from the first strophe, re-wrote the rest using the same strong language, syllable count and rhyme scheme you’d have a very very very good poem.

PS.

You can replace the repetition of “very” in my reply with the word exceptional if you like – they mean roughly the same thing.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

6 posted 2009-06-23 02:06 PM

Thanks Grinch, I'll try to do that.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

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