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freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-03-20 08:06 PM

Okay so I got tired of always writing serious stuff about how I feel or felt or what others feel or felt, so I thought I would write one that is kinda stupid and pointless. Hope you like it.

So where’s my superhero
When will he rescue me?
Me the lonely zero
Who lives in reality?

So superhero where are you
Why waste important time
They say you’re sitting in a car
Instead of fighting crime

So my silly superhero
I thought you could fly
Why drive down crowded lanes
Instead of hugging the sky

So superhero what’s with you?
They whisper that you’re ill
Coughing and sneezing
Can’t you rescue me still?

So superhero, are you getting better
I see you coming and you’re not too far
But it’s okay, I don’t need you anymore
I already opened up my pickle jar

Jesus loves you! Don't believe it? Then at least believe that I love you! I may not know you, but you're a person too, and you deserve to be loved.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

1 posted 2009-03-20 08:49 PM

So, where’s my superhero?
When will he rescue me?
Me, this lonely zero
who lives in reality?

So, Superhero, where are you?
Why waste important time?
They say you’re sitting in a car,
instead of fighting crime.

So, my silly superhero,
I thought you could fly.
Why drive down crowded lanes,
instead of hugging the sky? (like the hugging sky part)

So, Superhero what’s with you?
They whisper that you’re ill,
coughing and sneezing.
Can’t you rescue me still?

So, Superhero, are you getting better?
I see you coming. You’re not too far,
but it’s okay, I don’t need you anymore.
Daddy already opened up my pickle jar.

I loved this, I just had to go through and change a couple things. I'm getting a habit of doing that lol

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

2 posted 2009-03-20 09:12 PM

Wow you made it better! lol

Thanks!

Jesus loves you! Don't believe it? Then at least believe that I love you! I may not know you, but you're a person too, and you deserve to be loved.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2009-03-21 05:32 AM

At last!

I assure you Christine there's nothing stupid or pointless about this.  I'll be honest, the stuff you've been writing over the last few days here bored the hell out of me.  This however is fun, acute, moves along nicely, and makes some great points about aspects life in general and the speaker in particular.

It could probably do with a bit of revision here and there, but this is a way of writing that will eventually get you published.

Just check out some of the differences between this and some of your other poems.  Or I'll check them for you later if you want, lol.

Michaela's added punctuation was probably strictly correct, but I am not sure whether it tends to add too much choppiness.  As for her ending!  Ugh, if that's what I think it is (and I am very innocent in these matters) then I think it adds an inappropriate dark element to the piece which grates against the light playful tone of the rest of the poem.

Lighten up Michaela

Good work Christine

PS Oh, I forgot to mention, the opening - that first line: really very very good - bang straight into the action "So where's my superhero" - wow, the reader is hooked from the first moment.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2009-03-21 11:22 AM

Lol! The ending made me laugh. Ahh, I needed a good laugh.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

5 posted 2009-03-21 12:52 PM

YAY!!!! lol

Moonbeam,

You just made my day; I might actually be in a good mood when I'm forced to babysit a bunch of brats for free, later today.

I've never written anything that could be considered humorous or fun, I just thought I would give it a shot, and I guess I'm not that bad at it, after all. Thanks for your feedback; it means a lot.

Zach,

I'm so glad I made you laugh, feels good doesn't it?

Jesus loves you! Don't believe it? Then at least believe that I love you! I may not know you, but you're a person too, and you deserve to be loved.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

6 posted 2009-03-21 01:12 PM

Holy Smokes,

I'm smiling today!!!

Jesus loves you! Don't believe it? Then at least believe that I love you! I may not know you, but you're a person too, and you deserve to be loved.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

7 posted 2009-03-21 04:39 PM

So you ought to be Christine.

This is a poem by one of my favourite poets, Wendy Cope, in the same sort of vein as yours. Just remember "bloody" in the UK is quite a strong swear word.

Bloody men! by Wendy Cope

Bloody men are like bloody buses
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches your stop
Two or three others appear.

You look at them flashing their indicators,
Offering you a ride.
You're trying to read the destinations,
You haven't much time to decide.

If you make a mistake, there is no turning back.
Jump off, and you'll stand there and gaze
While the cars and the taxis and lorries go by
And the minutes, the hours, the days.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

8 posted 2009-03-22 08:41 AM

Bloody men..HaHa!!

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot..., HI LILY!!!

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

9 posted 2009-03-22 08:18 PM

Wow, I love that poem, now I feel more inspired to write another one like these; just don't expect to be reading it soon. This one took me 15 mins out of luck; I'm sure the next one will take me even longer.

Michaela, I can't believe you remembered. I kinda want to change the name, though; I want to come up with something different.

Jesus loves you! Don't believe it? Then at least believe that I love you! I may not know you, but you're a person too, and you deserve to be loved.

~frustrated writer~
Member

since 2008-02-25

Posts 84

10 posted 2009-06-20 06:27 AM

like it a lot!

)

keep it up girl!^^

kindredspirit
Member

since 2009-05-19

Posts 156

11 posted 2009-06-20 10:37 AM

everybody needs a hero.

i enjoyed the images that your words created, of a superhero, sitting in a car.. hugging the sky. wonderful!!

meganne_77
Junior Member

since 2009-04-15

Posts 14
Oklahoma

12 posted 2009-06-20 04:53 PM

wow! lol i loved your poem made me smile. It was how i feel alot. good job

Barbie

nehematala
Member

since 2009-05-21

Posts 129

13 posted 2009-06-20 06:55 PM

wow this poem is so fun. It lightened up my mood I might even pay attention to the ballet recital today

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

Peanutbuttercookies'nmilk
Junior Member

since 2009-05-03

Posts 31
Terrell,Texas

14 posted 2009-06-20 08:48 PM

I needed a good laugh.
You are a miracle child.
NEVER stop writing.

We are all unique in Jesus' eyes.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

15 posted 2009-06-23 02:22 PM

Aw, Thanks Guys, I should really write more poems like this one.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

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