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Teen Poetry #9
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Free Fall (2nd draft)
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Free Fall (2nd draft) |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
This is a bit better, but I think I still need to work on it. Down a darkness we free fall Before a bullet reaches our backs, Running from our one last call, But we're bombarded by attacks. Before a bullet reaches our backs , Smells of citrus cripples in our nose, But we're bombarded by attacks, Faults coming from the route we chose. Smells of citrus cripples in our nose. We know a living light is near. Faults coming from the route we chose Will run and scream with fear. We know a living light is near, Fakeness living in our eyes Will run and scream with fear. Truth reveals it's own disguise. Fakeness living in our eyes, Running from our one last call, Truth reveals it's own disguise, Down a darkness we free fall. You laugh because I'm different... |
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| © Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
The Pantoum is a hard form to get right so you get kudos from me for even trying one and more kudos for getting the line order correct. If I knew what I was talking about I’d suggest that you worked on the meter – using iambic pentameter for each line for instance would remove the unevenness. Unfortunately I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about so the only suggestion I can offer is to try expanding each line to 10 syllables.  |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Thank you! I'll try using iambic pentameter, but if that seems to be to difficult to do, then I'll at least expand each line to 10 syllables. You laugh because I'm different... |
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