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Rosie_Orange
Junior Member

since 2009-04-20

Posts 46
South Africa

0 posted 2009-04-23 02:18 PM

If life was just a book of thoughts,
and the world a table of contents,
the universe a library of wonder

love,
well love would be a dream,
         a fantasy,
a locked up word surrounded by rules.

confusion
would change the way you look at it all,
exceptions
would be looked upon as strange,
and to be different
  would be utter alien in a world of perfection.

variation
would slowly shrink to none,
   Why be different when you can be the same?
      if people are robots there’d be no need for technology,
  no means of destroying a world,
polluting a planet.

The moon,
what beautiful wonder,
shining upon an enemy,
a troupe
determined to take the world over,
not realising the peace of heart that is needed.
As for stars,
they glitter and sparkle
    over war,
over pain,
over blood spilt in the fight for ideal.

Beauty,
a rare diamond.
With people so powerful,
so destructive,
where does beauty stand?
Would all be beautiful or would none?
Buried in a hole or on a pedestal for all to see...

Love, Peace, Chocolate *mmmmmm*

[This message has been edited by Rosie_Orange (04-24-2009 10:01 AM).]

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2009-04-24 03:53 AM

Rosie

This reads to me more as a draft, there's a bit of grammatical roughness here and there, and some of the argument possibly needs clarification. But you clearly have the "poetic" mind set. What makes this poem interesting are the shifts - the way the focus suddenly changes: love, confusion, variation, the moon, beauty. Especially nice is the way the concrete moon is suddenly thrown in there amongst a mix of abstract nouns.

I think that you don't need the last line. The overt question devalues what comes before, and is entirely implicit in any case.

Are you reading any contemporary poetry?

M

KeyLimeSorbet
Member

since 2008-03-05

Posts 74
Colorado

2 posted 2009-05-06 04:22 PM

I felt that some things need to be difined better, towards the middle/end i picked up on an anti-war theme, but for me i wasnt totally set up for it by the beginning of the poem.
I agree how using the Moon in there makes it fun to read, it gives the poem a pop within a unifying theme. It's placement in the poem was perfect to me. I think you have a great grasp on the concept of poem structure.

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