Don't Forget to Remember Me

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Kalysta
Junior Member

since 2009-04-02

Posts 41
Ohio

0 posted 2009-04-02 09:55 PM

Don’t Forget to Remember Me

You take a deep breath and turn to leave.
A tear forms and falls down my cheek.
You see it and wipe it off with your cuff.

I choke back a sob and close my eyes,
Trying to burn a picture of you in my head.
You look at me with those big brown eyes all-full of shame.
I try not to look into them, but they call me to you.
I don’t want you to go but you say you have to.
I say you don’t.

It seems impossible that a week ago we were totally happy.
You were loving and affectionate as always.
And I was my sweet shy self.
Now everything is a mess and you are leaving.

You say it’s for the best.
I say it’s for the worst.
We are two halves of a whole us.
Without you I’m a whole broken me.
I just pray that you don’t forget to remember me.

~Kalysta~

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

1 posted 2009-04-02 10:00 PM

I love the last line,
it reminds me of something i'd say.

Welcome to pip.

{~~*~~}

Emmalee Janelle
{~~*~~}

Kalysta
Junior Member

since 2009-04-02

Posts 41
Ohio

2 posted 2009-04-02 10:16 PM

Hey thanks!!! I'm glad you liked the last line. I thought it gave it some umph. lol

~Kalysta~

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2009-04-02 11:02 PM

Welcome to pip!!!

I like how you have some alliteration and also how it ends. I think you should take out the "totally" in the 3rd stanza, tho, it doesn't seem to fit, well that's just my opinion.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

poetman
Junior Member

since 2009-03-30

Posts 10

4 posted 2009-04-03 03:14 AM

Hey enjoyed your poem a lot

I'm looking forward to more of your work

Poetman

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

5 posted 2009-04-03 12:46 PM

"You look at me with those big brown eyes all-full of shame."

I really liked that line. But the part were it goes, "brown eyes all-full of shame." Personally I think it would sound better if it was.. "brown eyes; All-full of shame."

I don't know why but I like it better that way but over all I really liked this. Keep up the writing!!

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

6 posted 2009-04-03 02:57 PM

I kinda agree with you Zach, I think it would sound better with a slight pause after eyes, but I don't think a semicolon would work, there should just be a simple comma. That's just my opinion, though.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

7 posted 2009-04-03 03:37 PM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is really good, and I sincerely look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

Please chek your e-mail for a special greeting!!

But this one goes to eleven...
http://www.hubpages.com/profile/RingoShort

Kalysta
Junior Member

since 2009-04-02

Posts 41
Ohio

8 posted 2009-04-04 01:59 PM

thanks for the constructive critisim!!! im actually working on rewriting this poem, i didnt really like it.

~Kalysta~

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

9 posted 2009-04-04 02:52 PM

A melancholy poem to be sure...but Welcome
to Passions! I will look forward to reading
more of your work.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

10 posted 2009-04-06 08:18 AM

Welcome to PiP

KeyLimeSorbet
Member

since 2008-03-05

Posts 74
Colorado

11 posted 2009-05-06 04:24 PM

Welcome to pip, i look forward to reading more of your work.

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