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Teen Poetry #9
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the souls beach (iambic meter)
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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the souls beach (iambic meter) |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
I stand atop the rock as silhouettes descend My mind floats on the sea with calmness I pretend I slip down through the waves to coolness i succumb I let, my worries leave and only peace will come. now darkness covers me it brings tranquility my doubts begin to drown here is stability relaxing with the lost where sunshine does not reach young hearts are dyeing fast as my soul plies the beach Thanks turtle :] [This message has been edited by nina1522 (04-12-2009 07:38 PM).] |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
This is lovely, got some nice imagery here, though the last line is a little off and interrupts the rymthm. Good stuff though. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
hm i actually thought of the last line a lot. i couldnt decide what word to use how about as my soul walks the beach? does that sound better? |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Hmm, it's not so much the wording as the rymthm that irks me. The first 2 stanzas are pretty much perfect. These 2 just seem a little off. I've bracketed words i think might make it flow a little smoother. "now [the] darkness covers me [and] it brings [such] tranquility my doubts begin to drown here is [my] stability relaxing with the lost where sunshine does not reach young hearts [] dyeing fast as my soul [seeks] the beach Or instead of 'seeks' you can use the original word 'plies'. Hope you dont think im altering it too much, it just helps to reread the poem and add/take away words to make it flow a little smoother. The poem is great, and i love the idea. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
thank you. i wrote it in iambic meter so im pretty constricted in my words chose. and i dont mind the altering at all. i want to know how to get better and that helps me see what i can do differently to improve. THANKS |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I don't have the time to really give you critiques, sry, but there is one thing i have to say about this poem, Get rid of the words "heart" and "soul" They're overused!!! Don't use those words; you're poetry will be better off without them "I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
i only used them once. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I don't mean that you over use them, I mean that generally they are overused in poetry. If you take a glance at many poems here in the teen forum, you'll see those words a lot. "I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Hi Nina, and hi Christine (hope you've recovered from my rigorous critique the other day, please let me know if I say anything that you find annoying or unhelpful, I'm here to help not irritate  )Nina sorry to butt in here but I think Christine is pointing out that it can be quite hazardous to use words like heart and soul. It's not that they are always "wrong", it's just that they have been used so so many times in poetry that experienced readers of poetry find it hard to associate them with new ideas. And using them too much can make it look like you, the poet, have run out of new ideas too! Here's quite a good link that tries to explain part of the problem: http://members.tripod.com/~sundance_market/cliches.html Generally though I enjoyed your poem , but check the spelling of "dyeing".All the best. M |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Moonbeam, I'm still recovering, I got hit in the head with 2 stones you know. I'm also still trying to process what I learned from you and Bob, so that I'll remember everything and so it won't go to waste. Your always helpful! Nina, In my rush, since I was super busy the last couple of days, I forgot to mention that i really like this, love the beach metaphor. Keep writing!!! And I know you're busy too but don't forget about our lil group, we need to get it off the ground a bit, it's totally drowning. "I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
thank you.. and i just sent you an email. and honestly i didnt it mean to be a metaphor. i just wrote it about a day at the beach until the last stanza haha |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
REALLY PRETTY POEM I ENJOYED IT I'm lost and going nowhere i need help to find my way |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Christine, I set up a gmail thingy-ma-bobber. I think I failed to inform you of it. I will send you an e-mail as soon as I possibly can. Nina, This poem is much better without using heart and soul...I'm glad Christine and Rob pointed that out. I'd feel like a hypocrite considering I just burnt many of my old "poems" (more like words poorly jumbled together) because I'd used those words within them lol Best of wishes |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Okie dokie, Michaela, all I need is your email address and I can add you straight into the group without having to send you an invite. Nina, I've noticed that you haven't accepted your invite yet, but your busy so hopefully you will find time to do so. "Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
invitation? hm i havnt gotten one. or i might of accidentlly over looked it. sorry |
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