Small Town Dreams Come Crashing Fast (Revised)

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Teen Poetry #9

Small Town Dreams Come Crashing Fast (Revised)

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-03-30 01:13 PM

I need to give this an ending stanza. I redid it like Alison suggested. I think its better then the original..
Take me back to a time
Where ignorance means bliss
To a place I remember well
Our lips embraced in a kiss

Remember the summer breeze
As it blew across our starry skies?
Us dreaming of what's to come
Surrounded by glowing fireflies

Strolling down dirt roads
My hand in yours; Your heart in mine
Days filled with happiness
Unknown to whats down the line

Sharing eager smiles to escape free
Pick up and just get out of town
One day we'd be together; forever
As you dance across isles in white gowns

Days to count down
Confidence on your face
A ring weighs down your hand
Eyes and honesty somewhere misplaced

Patience wearing thin as I stand here
At the alter I waited for you to show
You left me standing here
Wondering, hoping, pleading to know..

[This message has been edited by Falling rain (03-30-2009 04:54 PM).]

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2009-03-30 02:01 PM

Wow, this is better than your first one, good job revising it!

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2009-04-05 10:55 AM

Thanks Christine! I really liked this better then the original. But I think the ending stanza felt like I didn't finish. "Wondering, pleading to know.." Sounds like I just didn't finish it. What do you think?

-Zach

We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2009-04-05 03:19 PM

I understand what you mean Zach, I think maybe you should end it with a single line, a question, something to leave the readers thinking, you know what I mean? something simple like, "How is this happening?", or "Are you really doing this to me?" Idk, put whatever you want, if you like the idea.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

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