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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-03-26 10:36 PM

I really don't like how I worded this poem.. It seems too forced to me.. But I had an inspiration and I had to write it out.. I think I did it wrong. Hmph.. Enjoy?

Edited; alone Pictures, Images and Photos

Deep within your heart
Your thoughts stay
Where laughter's on your lips
Hazel eyes so far away

You listen to every thought
They trouble you so
But your missing the obvious
Your at the lowest of the low

Your waiting for life to start
You lived through so much
Your eyes seen the worst of life
And it kills you as such

You write marks in scarlet
The sleeves won't cover pain
Tears won't stitch the wound
Dark thoughts can't be restrain

You fix your make up again
Still holding on to lost hope
Finding the light you deserve
That way for you to cope

Still smiling through it
Keeping your head high
Hiding it under that smile
Managing to get by

Just.Another.Falling.Star
Member

since 2008-05-08

Posts 422
Canada

1 posted 2009-03-26 11:17 PM

zach...wow.
there are no other words for this...
library

?ul!@nn@

these broken pieces of my heart are to shattered to be put back together again

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

2 posted 2009-03-27 05:58 PM

I really like this, though there were some parts that seemed forced, but it really did flow nicely other than that.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

Suncleaver
Member

since 2009-01-18

Posts 481
Stafford England

3 posted 2009-03-28 10:46 PM

Good stuff Zach.

Keep at it, but like I said don't get obsessed with not putting a syllable out of place.

Passion will touch people, prosaic structure won't.

In these lonely halls no moon will weep, no sun will shine.
In these narrow rooms no tears are seen, no laughter heard!

KandyGrl511
Member

since 2008-11-30

Posts 52
Michigan

4 posted 2009-03-29 06:58 PM

i liked it!!!!

pandabear
Junior Member

since 2009-03-08

Posts 36

5 posted 2009-03-30 11:39 PM

i liked it a lot

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

6 posted 2009-04-01 07:05 PM

You write marks in scarlet
The sleeves won't cover pain
Tears won't stitch the wound
Dark thoughts can't be restrain

that was my favorite! it was excellent! there was some lines that did in fact seem a bit forced but it wasnt bad at all. i loved it! also, ive been meaning to put you as a fav author, just too lazy to do so! lol great job! keep it up!

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

KebiraAmani
New Member

since 2009-04-02

Posts 5
Canada

7 posted 2009-04-02 09:59 PM

I quite enjoyed it. I found some parts, strained a bit, but at the same time it helped with the feel of the poem to me.

you're very talented.

Kalysta
Junior Member

since 2009-04-02

Posts 41
Ohio

8 posted 2009-04-02 10:25 PM

Hey I thought it was very well written! Great Job! Keep at it!

~Kalysta~

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