Monster - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

0 posted 2009-03-01 08:31 PM

My aunt lost to depression and comitted suicide. i couldnt understand why she would ever but now im so familar to the feelings she continuosly fought with. I tried to see through her perspective. i thought about what her last moments must have been like. i would like to write more about it but this is all i have so far. ( i just said "i" about 47 times)

As the blade cuts
soothing sensations
start flowing through my body
killing this hate
killing this pain
killing this numbenss

replaying the memories
opening the wounds
bleeding the cured

A little deeper
the pain pulses
the sensation grows
suficing the monster inside
quieting her cries

have any advice about revision id liked to hear them.
*need help with structure*

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-02-2009 08:45 PM).]

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

1 posted 2009-03-01 10:24 PM

I really like this. I know the feeling you and your aunt have gone through. Although I don't cut I know the yearning for it. Great write.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

2 posted 2009-03-02 02:38 AM

Hi nina,

I'm impressed sweety, you are doing well and learning fast.

This is a very good write and I am truely amazed at the

improvement.....You go girl

Hmmm....couple spots here to think about:

"pleasant sensations"

Are they "pleasant"? Perhaps needed, desired, yearned for,
Because the reader doesn't see the experience as "pleasant"
it is better understood (In my mind) as a yearning by the narrator
in the poem.

..''..just reading this again this is really great.

Ah!:

"bleeding the healed"

Not sure about this one.....might need to be clearer.

You certainly don't need my help anymore though and I am proud of you.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

3 posted 2009-03-02 04:17 PM

turtle,

i was thinking the same thing about that line. But i truly do need your help. im absolutely stuck on the princess poem. and maybe ill change "pleasant" to hm... maybe.. uh...hey ill go to the rhyming website you told me about. one minute

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

4 posted 2009-03-02 04:22 PM

maybe...
   comforting sensations
         or
   satisfying sensations
         or
  consoling senastions

hm whichone do you think?

and change ; "bleeding the healed"
                     to
             "cutting the healed" ? or cured

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

5 posted 2009-03-02 05:13 PM

These are good nina,

For me, I like "edged" sensations

this has a double meaning that brings the
blades edge into focus in the readers mind
and captures the hesitation between need to
cut and knowing it's wrong.

The other. Hmmmm....

Maybe, "slashing the healed"??

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

6 posted 2009-03-02 05:20 PM

hm.yeah i like edged. but i want to pretray the sensation as comforting and dersirable. i want to make the reader get the sense that the character that this is an act in which gives her tranquilty and selfpeace. it is what allows her to feel for a change. and she is in control of the pain. i just dont know how to put all that into a single word that describes the sensation she feels. and i dont think it is in character for her to say slashing. when i hear the words slashing i think of a violent fight or act. this is peaceful and soothing to her... OOOO "soothing sensations"!!

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

7 posted 2009-03-02 06:06 PM

"soothing"? hmmm...

Excellent nina, perfect!

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

8 posted 2009-03-02 08:44 PM

thank you.. im going to try to continue to write this. but i prob wont have any time soon becuase lax tryouts are tomorrow... fun fun fun.

KandyGrl511
Member

since 2008-11-30

Posts 52
Michigan

9 posted 2009-03-03 06:44 PM

i like this...

<3 i love u<3

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

10 posted 2009-03-03 08:04 PM

thank you very much

Reborn_Phoenix
Junior Member

since 2009-03-04

Posts 11

11 posted 2009-03-04 01:09 AM

nina, even though I may be new to this site, from the previous comments I've read, and by looking at some of your other poems, I can tell that you are improving rapidly.

Continue to grow as a writer, and write what you love.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

12 posted 2009-03-04 06:36 AM

thank you reborn_Pheonix. And even though im relatively new also, welcome to PIP

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.