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Teen Poetry #9
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Drunken Lullabye's Not So Sweet
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Drunken Lullabye's Not So Sweet |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
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Okay this poem isn't about syllabic or anything fancy. I just felt like free writing and so I did. Sorry Grinch. And I don't know if this poem is appropriate for this forum and I don't really like this myself... Brought up non-fond memories but I had to vent it out. Enjoy? Upon the walls, forgotten images Of love life well darn torn Memories drag down the halls Beaten, Weary and worn Where laughter rang down every hall Your smile lit up the room Now broken furniture and drunken words Leave this place an empty tomb Tears crawl down your face Blue eyes; bloodshot red Screams fill in my ears My soul slowly going dead Empty bottles lay round the floor Your voice is going strain Drunken cries of sorrow spit Lies left to be explained What happen to the smiles love? Laughter killed by screams Oh why did I let this happen!? Relationship being torn at the seams Poison runs down your throat As you take another sip Photo's engulfed by flames A smile form on your lips Memories drag down the halls While rage is eating at me Escape from this madness Open my bloodshot eyes to see That this love wasn't more than lust So this is how it has to be Don't worry about it my love Just pack up my suitcase and take my leave |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
'Where laughter rang down every hall Your smile lit up the room Now broken furniture and drunken words Leave this place an empty tomb' I loved this stanza, it gave me a great picture in my mind. I thought this poem was rather good actually. It seemed to drag on a little, and it started off stronger than it ended. maybe cut out a stanza or something? Rymthm was minorly off in a few places, but you said you were'nt too worried about that. Nice poem, great imagery. |
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Belinda Member
since 2006-01-30
Posts 126UK |
'Poison runs down your throat As you take another sip Photo's engulfed by flames A smile form on your lips ' I love that stanza. It's quite, blunt, I think but I think that's what makes it so powerful. Despite what you think, I liked it.  Belinda~* Expect nothing, Prepare for anything. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I think it's just fine to stay in here, you are not glorifying drinking or being like hey this is great, so that makes it different. this is very sad.  check your spelling and the use of 'then' vs. 'than' just a irritation for me lol |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
I will not cry. I will not cry. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
No need to apologise to me Zach, you’re free to do whatever takes your fancy. If you want any advice in future though - well that’s ok too - feel free to ask, I’ll help if I can. That isn’t just restricted to syllabic formats either, I know a little about a lot. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Haha. Okay SEA I'll make sure to double check and use "than" instead of "then". And thanks for the hug. Gothic Cherry.. I know. I was sorta thinking about both our situations while writing this. Sorry to bring up old pains. Okay Grinch. Glad your there to help. Thanks to everyone for reading. -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
On what SEA said you also mixed up 'seems' and seams' Lol.. && Don't be sorry. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Yeah while writing that I forgot how to spell "seam" so I used the next best. haha When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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