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JennJenn
Junior Member

since 2009-02-18

Posts 20
Canada

0 posted 2009-02-18 08:02 PM

I just wrote this today. I'm quite proud of it, but I know it could probably use some work. Thanks for taking the time to read it. I really appreciate it

You need to feel in order to live
You need a heart in order to give
You need a brain to know what’s right
And you need strength to stand up and fight

But the feelings you feel aren’t really good
And your heart feels things you don’t feel it should
Your brain knows that what’s right is now wrong
And your strength is faded, you don’t feel strong

What’s really cool, though, is that:

The feelings you feel, in order to live
Need your heart, to know how much to give
Your brain does the things that it knows are right
And your strength is there, it just needs you to fight

So don’t give up, you’ve got all you need
The things that you need will help you succeed
Your body, your mind, your heart and your soul
Will help you to open up as you grow

So remember this, next time you feel weak
The things you need aren’t always the things that you seek
Remember that soon, something will give
And you need to feel, in order to live

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2009-02-18 08:08 PM

Wow, I really like this. It's really good, the only thing is that you should add some imagery into your poetry

Oh and Welcome to Pip!!!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

JennJenn
Junior Member

since 2009-02-18

Posts 20
Canada

2 posted 2009-02-18 08:25 PM

Thanks

I try to use little imagery, and more things that will make my readers think. I write a lot of stuff for my former social worker, and she uses it to show to her clients and try to introduce them to journaling. So I find it helpful to use little imagery, but I do agree that I should start, as it can make my stuff more powerful and more connected.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

3 posted 2009-02-18 09:08 PM

I really like this! Nice even flow to it and a nice message. Great job! Keep it up.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

4 posted 2009-02-18 10:08 PM

Wow, this is fantastic. The only thing i might consider editing would be the line:

"What's really cool though, is that:"

it just seemed to through off the flow of the rest of the poem. But either than that i LOVED it. And it was very encouraging for me. My favorite lines were,

But the feelings you feel aren’t really good
And your heart feels things you don’t feel it should
Your brain knows that what’s right is now wrong
And your strength is faded, you don’t feel strong.

Again, fantastic write. I will be reading more. Welcome to pip.
[library]

{~~*~~}

Emmalee Janelle
{~~*~~}

JennJenn
Junior Member

since 2009-02-18

Posts 20
Canada

5 posted 2009-02-18 11:02 PM

Thanks

About the line that's a bit off,

I know about that. I want to fix it, but for now, I think it'll work, just because the people who're going to be reading it are younger and I think that that line is kinda kid-friendly just because it's not very uniform.

When I go over it again I'll try to think about something, though, that fits a little better, because you're 100% right.

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