navwin » Main Forums » Teen Poetry #9 » Confused
Teen Poetry #9
Post A Reply Post New Topic Confused Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN

0 posted 2009-02-18 06:59 PM


This makes absolutely no sense. I just got bored and thought I might as well post one of my scribblings.

With the stress of life upon my shoulders
And ambitions taking over
It is hard to find a rest for breathing
So now my freedom is wreathing

I would like to know if the pattern is correct in this one. 10,8,10,8????

© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
1 posted 2009-02-18 07:46 PM


Your pattern and counting is correct. I like this actually. Its a little too short for me but that's just me. I like it. Congrats you wrote a poem using meter!! Yay!!!!

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
2 posted 2009-02-18 07:49 PM


um sorry to burst your bubble but your not quite using a meter just a pattern but its an awesome start!!!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
3 posted 2009-02-18 07:54 PM


Well you must have a pattern in meter right? So in a way she is using meter... right?

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
4 posted 2009-02-18 08:02 PM


no, i don't think so, we can ask moonbeam, tho

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
5 posted 2009-02-18 08:12 PM


Wait i think i see a meter, tho i think you messed up just a little bit.

Hey could you show me where the stresses are if you were trying to use a meter


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

[This message has been edited by freeand2sexy (02-18-2009 08:59 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189

6 posted 2009-02-18 08:34 PM


hey wuick question ive been trying to ask moonbeam a question but i havnt been able to find a way to contact him. so you know how ?

GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN
7 posted 2009-02-19 08:31 AM


Well, I didn't intend for it to have any meter. I was just venting a little and decided it had a pattern when I'd completed it. Will someone please show me the stresses in it? I have an idea, but I'm not exactly sure.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
8 posted 2009-02-19 05:02 PM


With the STRESS of LIFE up ON my SHOUL ders
And am BI tions TAK ing O ver
It is HARD to FIND a REST for BREATH ing
So NOW my FREE dom is WREATH ing

It seems to be consistent till you get to the final line, then its off a bit.

And I’m just curious, what did you mean in the last line

“So now my freedom is wreathing”

Not that its wrong, just want to know.

But fix the final line so it's the same as the others and the poem will flow much better.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

9 posted 2009-02-19 05:53 PM


Only just seen this.  Christine is broadly right.  The poem is primarily trochaic DUM da, with a few bumps here and there especially the last line.

Zach, you really really need to forget the idea that METER is simply about counting syllables.  Meter depends on the sound properties words, principaly the stress of their syllables.  In order to understand meter you HAVE to be able to hear the emphasis on the various syllables.  Think of it as a drummer in a band.  If he just beat out exactly the same intensity and length of beat each time he hit the drum there would be no pattern or variation just a dum dum dum dum.  But he doesn't he beats out dum da duuum daaa da da dum duuum da da.  Hence you get a tune!  Words are the same.  Just as not every drum beat is equal so not every syllable is equal.  Try going around saying various multi syllable words out loud till you start to hear which part of the word you emphasise and which you don't.  

GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN
10 posted 2009-02-20 09:04 AM


Ummm, another quick question...

Are there words that could be stressed and unstressed at different times?

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

11 posted 2009-02-20 11:46 AM


Michaela

Check out this:
/pip/Forum108/HTML/000178-2.html#27

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Main Forums » Teen Poetry #9 » Confused

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary