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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-02-15 06:08 PM

Was I that foolish?
That desperate for a need
To be in the arms of another
The warnings I did not heed

It happened just as fast
As it had came to me.
Love is what they call it
But I was too blind to see

Ignorance is bliss they say
And I fell into that trap
My heart a burden
Just an empty gap

He fooled around with others
While I kept on smiling unknowing
Sitting here in regret
My heart now needs sewing

And as I lay here
Waving good bye
To you and your love
It was nothing more then lies

(This is pretty short for most the stuff that I write. I tried working on the structure but I know its pretty off. Enjoy?)

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2009-02-15 06:35 PM

I like this, especially the 3rd stanza, but your right, the structure is off, i would fix the last stanza first, it doesn't really flow.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

2 posted 2009-02-15 06:54 PM

Yes, the structure is off, but something else bothered me in this particular poem.

There are a few cliches in some of the lines that could be said in a more original way. I know you use words well so that kind of shocked me to see in your work.

Besides that I really liked it.

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

3 posted 2009-02-15 07:14 PM

this is pretty good man. keep it up.

will you check out some of my new stuff. i think i hit a good writing spell.

~ you cant run from yourself ~

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2009-02-15 07:29 PM

Yeah I know. I was sorta just writing what came to mind. Its not really my best. But I love the picture I posted with it

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

5 posted 2009-02-17 08:21 PM

yeah i like the picture too but i love your poem. it flowed very well.

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

6 posted 2009-02-18 12:02 PM

omgoodness gracious. this was amazingggg! going in the library

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

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