»
Main Forums
»
Teen Poetry #9
»
Can You Hear Me?
| Teen Poetry #9 |
|
Can You Hear Me? |
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
|
 They tell me I gotta be strong For the hardest part has just begun I can feel it within these bones This deep feeling of being alone Its eating at me from the inside out Leaving me tired; too weak to shout Trapped in silent torturous pain An empty shell is all that remains These days I cry out my heart Because this pain is tearing me apart Heavy thoughts cloud my mind Captive in thorny vines I'm calling out to you But help comes to the few Someone? Anyone? Please help me Are you too blind to see? Can you not see the broken spirit? Because I'm slowly coming to my limit I'm getting sick of it all Your just waiting to see me fall I've fallen to the place that meets no end. No words can't help this heart mend Trapped within this loneliness tonight I'm anything but alright. [This message has been edited by Falling rain (02-11-2009 08:04 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I really like this except when it changed from 1st person to 3rd and then back, it kinda confused me. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Oh.. Yeah I noticed that just now after I reread it. Hahaha. Would you think it would be better if in the second to last stanza (the place where it goes into 3rd person) if I changed "him" and "he's" into "me" and "I"? That way it would be first person through out the poem? -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
||
|
freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I think it would be better that you changed it UNLESS you could find a way to transition "I" and "me" to "he's" and "him" in a way that is more understandable, though it would probably be more work for you to do that and it may be too difficult of challenge. if it were me i'd jus change it. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
||
|
greenshoes New Member
since 2008-11-11
Posts 6Scotland |
Wow, I really liked it. The last stanza, particularly the last two lines, were really striking for me. And haha, the first few replies confused me when I looked back at the poem to try and find where it turned 3rd person. I mean, I see that you've changed it now, of course, but I spent like two or three minutes checking, rofl. |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
rotfl. Well here's the stanza I changed from 3rd to 1st person... "Can you not see the broken spirit? Because I'm slowly coming to my limit I'm getting sick of it all Your just waiting to see me fall" If you see the words "I'm" and "me" were actually "He's" and "him". Thanks for reading! -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
||
|
freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Much better, sry didn't realize you changed it before, again sry. Now to kill myself with the whole trochaic tetrameter, i'm working on. (pass the aspirin plz) With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
||
|
Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
Beautiful! Rain this may well be your best poem yet. As to the third person first person debate maybe a compromise is in order? Can you not see this broken spirit? Because it's slowly coming to it's limit I'm getting sick of it all Your just waiting to see me fall That seems better than either of the two extremest views :p In my humble opinion at least! This was exelent Zach, and I truly hope things get better for you. LIBRARY!!! My melancholy is purely my own |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
See guys? Leave it to Frank to make sense to this madness :P Thanks for your help. I would change it to what you have written but I don't think I can. I'll check after I post this comment. haha.  -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
||
|
KandyGrl511 Member
since 2008-11-30
Posts 52Michigan |
wow i love this one ~R.I.P~ Scott Ackley (My dad) and Klye McGuire (My Nephew)~ |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
