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Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

0 posted 2009-01-31 04:40 PM

Master Of Puppets

Sitting in my cardboard cage
Moving as I gently shake
Entrapped inside this sour rage
Nought to give nor none to take

The sky’s a wall all around
Bricked into certain dread
Ears pick up on muffled sound
As I claw inside my head

Peering out from solid bars
Taste the evil in the air
Stir the sins inside the jar
Sit and chew my knotted hair

Nails scratch a pattern deep
Score a poem into my skin
Dare not cry, dare not weep
As my hope is waning thin

Fingers locked upon my chest
Furtive grins do line my face
Curled inside my filthy nest
Feed from pools of my disgrace

Heart’s a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie

Hear my master’s silver call
As I lie in fragments on the floor
Eyes are shattered, face is dull
Hear the creak of that sly door

Sitting in my cardboard cage
Nothing left to want to save
Entrapped inside this sour rage
I seek no life beyond this grave.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2009-01-31 05:17 PM

this is really, really good!

"Heart’s a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie"

loved this part

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2009-01-31 06:22 PM

Wow! This is like my favorite poem form you yet! Geez you talent for writing astonishes me.

"The sky’s a wall all around
Bricked into certain dread
Ears pick up on muffled sound
As I claw inside my head"

My favorite stanza. (Library)

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2009-02-02 06:35 PM

This is absolutely amazing. Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to write this?

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

4 posted 2009-02-03 11:27 AM

Thanks for all the positive comments.
Its really nice hearing positive feedback on my "work".
Im really pleased with this poem. It seems to make a lot of sense to me.

I'm not sure. About 10-15 minutes?

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

5 posted 2009-02-03 03:32 PM

Really liked this as well. It has a hard, definable edge that fits extremely well with the darkness of the subject matter.

I'm not typically one to appreciate rhyming (it usually jars and infects my enjoyment of the topic), but this one worked well -- with one exception: I would look at the following stanza (particularly line 2). It jerked me out of a smooth read, and I had to push myself back in.

quote:
Heart’s a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie

Perhaps a change as simple as switching "...sin I beg to deny" to "...sin I can't deny." I think those extra syllables (that don't fit with the rest of the format as I read it) are what threw me off.

Still, a most entertaining read.

-C

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

6 posted 2009-02-04 09:39 PM

Very nice! You are an extremely talented writer. && it only took 10-15 minutes? Whoa, I would guess much longer...

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