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Dark Poetry #5
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Black waves
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Black waves |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
this is my first poem. i am fifteen and have never attempted poetry before so im not sure if it is any good. please comment even if it is bad. please tell me what i can fix and may need to re-word. Thank you unexpected black waves capsize over me capturing me as their prisoner of isolation pulling me down to their darkest depths, entangling me in seaweed tying me down to a place where reality collides into dreams pain smuthers happiness weakness defeats strength. Releasing me only to seize me once more at my first breathe of air |
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Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
You misspel 'Smothers', but that's the only flaw in an otherwise excellent poem. A quick tip Nina, whenever you want to use an adjective or adverb go for your thesaurus and look up the alternatives. It will expand your vocabulary by hundreds of words in weeks. Welcome to PiP. Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Puttin git in a more structured form would help the reader to better understand your meanings. I'm fifteen as well, but I've been writing for a while longer lol I can't say mine is much better though. |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
I still say it's excellent, especially since you just started writing. An expansion of vocab isn't especially necessary but be sure to check your spelling. I like the way you structured this, very nice. Cierra [This message has been edited by pen&paper (02-16-2009 12:14 PM).] |
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Def-init Member
since 2008-12-03
Posts 186Toronto, Canada |
Sometimes the simplest vocab can have profound meaning. Although a good read. The idea of your poem has been done many times. You seem to have skill in your poems. So keep at it. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
GothicCherry, how would you put it in a better foramt? i just guessed where it should go.. HAHA. I have no clue how to change the lines to fit better. PLEASE help me. THANKS |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
since peopel have said my vocabulary is kind of weak i revised it (but didnt put it in a better structure). Unheralded black waves capsize over me capturing me as their prisoner of isolation. Tendrils of coiling seaweed wrap around me tying me down to a place where reality collides into dreams pain smothers happiness weakness defeats strength. Releasing me only to sieze me once more at my first breathe of air. Hope its better then original. THANK YOU |
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