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maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2011-09-14 09:16 PM

plz ignore the other one it was not my best os hopefully this one is

i would like some feedback

The sun is blazing
Beautifully in the
Clear blue sky and I’m
Just walking until
I see a big tree
Which is abundant
Of green leaves I go
Up to the tree and
Sit underneath it,
As I sit I feel a
Cool Wind blowing and
The Leaves are rustling
As I hear the rhythm
I feel peace and calm
And all of a sudden
I start to doze off
As I doze off I
See a semblance of
An angel with pure white
Wings but I can’t see
The face I ask the angel
Why are you here?
Did I do something wrong?
Then she said “No you
Didn’t do anything
Wrong I’m here because
Your soul, heart had a
Feeling of emptiness
Inside of you which
Attracted me.”
Then I said “I see.”
“Also in your mind you
Kept on saying
Please send someone by
My side I saw you
Crying all the time so
That’s another reason
That I’m here.”
“yeah I have a emptiness
Feeling you don’t know
How I feel I am
In stuck in a world
That’s filled with misery
My heart and soul are
Both corrupted.”
“That’s why I’m here
To fix you and give
You some hope.”
The angel kept on
Saying the stuff that
I didn’t want to hear
Whatever she says
It brings tears to my
Eyes and it hurts my
Soul all of a sudden
The angel’s voice start
To trail off saying
I will always be by
Your side as she
Disappeared
From my dream I
Woke up and wondered
What was that?
Was that a dream?
Was that a hallucination?
Was that real?
Then I start looking
Around the tree but
No one was there but
As I walk away from
The tree I hear the
Wind blowing again
And I can feel the
Presence of someone
By that tree

[This message has been edited by maddorani (09-15-2011 06:12 PM).]

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

1 posted 2011-11-05 11:02 AM

A very beautiful idea, but it falls short for me, especially compared to the rest of your poems-- all of which are so well put together and worded. I think what would help is if you took this one and just re did it completely, because you have such a beautiful idea but it gets lost in translation and I know you can write so marvelously.

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

2 posted 2011-11-05 02:13 PM

thank you i know that this wasn't my best one but i will do better hehe and also i have more new poems to come so look forward to them

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

3 posted 2011-11-06 06:04 PM

I will, I love seeing how your writing grows with every single poem you post. You seem to find yourself more and more as time goes on and it makes your poetry so much more powerful.

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

4 posted 2011-11-06 06:19 PM

thank you your poems seem to be powerful and i can relate to them

also i recently posted new poems called why do i and will i ever get to see you again you should check them out. there are some people that can't express themselves but it's hard to exress yourself in words so i just write because thats the only way i can express myself even though i have freinds but i never let them know what i'm feeling inside and if you would like to know my story behind these poems then let me know also i hate crying and i dont let ppl see me cry i hold back everything inside of me if someone hurts my feelings on the spot i hold back everything and then just wait for the night and cry

LaGraceLa
Member

since 2011-01-30

Posts 243
Minnesota, USA

5 posted 2011-11-06 08:05 PM

I can understand that entirely, and when you find words that express yourself I find it helps you feel so much better.

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

6 posted 2011-11-07 01:47 AM

trueeee do you want to know my story

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