slowly leaving this world - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Kahlia1229
New Member

since 2009-01-24

Posts 3
washington, U.S.A

0 posted 2009-01-24 12:35 PM

The day started out great
noone laughs, mocks, or irritates
then i'm home, i walk through the door
things go from great to poor
there's yelling and screaming
he comes at us beaming
with rage, maybe hate
in the middle of a heated debate
i talk politely
clench my fists tightly
but i made a mistake
now my face aches
if i had a place to run i would
my head and heart are telling me i should
i can't just stay here and sit
can i put them through it?
i want them to see
what they're doing is slowly killing me
as i'm sitting here writing this
still yet clenching my fists
i wonder, is this right?
my throat is getting tight
my last day is near
my eyes and head arent clear
i just want this life to be done
there heads to fall like the old sun
as they weep and cry
because they're slowly watching me die
slowly
slowly
slowly
gone...

Suncleaver
Member

since 2009-01-18

Posts 481
Stafford England

1 posted 2009-01-24 09:58 AM

I thought your poem was an excellent first post. Heartfelt and it bought back some bitter memories for me.

But I must say that I couldn't help but be deeply concerned at the subject matter. If this is really happening you should consider talking to someone.

My apologies for bringing my own opinion into what may be a very real and volatile situation, and clouding the artistry of an excellent poem. I couldn't help but feel concern.

Best wishes, welcome and congratulations.

On the seashore I espy the dreadful void under the tides

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2009-01-25 12:13 PM

Hi Kahlia:
I'm glad you had the courage to write a poem and put it out here.  I'm myself not a fan of really harsh criticism.  That why I tend to see poetry as an outlet with room for the occasional constructive criticism.  So let's look at what you did over here:

I get the sense your speaker is trying to get something off his/her chest.  The poem reads like a journal entry.  I don't know if I would have centred the lines like that but that's just me.

I liked these lines:
"i want them to see
what they're doing is slowly killing me
as i'm sitting here writing this
still yet clenching my fists
i wonder, is this right?"
You might like some of NormalTXButterfly (I think that's her nick)'s poetry.  It deals with similar subject matter.  I still can't get enough this poem by her.

As far as rhyming, I'm not sure...  I usually don't rhyme my own poetry but if it works for you go for it.

Good poem and thanks for sharing.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

3 posted 2009-01-26 01:16 AM

Kahlia,

Again, welcome to PiP. I wish when I was seventeen that I had learned to vent and express my feelings through poetry. It's a good way to get things out. Good job in doing just that.

Alison

Desirer4New
Member

since 2008-04-23

Posts 57
basketball soccer writting and anything to do with art

4 posted 2009-02-09 06:20 PM

Really good

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.