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AloneAgain
New Member

since 2010-01-25

Posts 1

0 posted 2010-02-06 10:32 AM

Introverted personality—
Truly not Miss Congeniality,
Calculated deception marks the disparity;
This disconnect is my true reality.

I betray myself through false control.
Buried feelings take their toll.
Untamed thoughts dwell in my soul—
Smothering my spirit with blackened coal.

Rare connections of trust I have forever expelled from my life.
Revealing the truth always ends in painful, emotional strife.
My wounded heart bleeds sadness from this piercing knife;
Incised, then abandoned, inscribing me as a useless lowlife.

Never again will I allow myself to be exposed—
To that rare someone, who ostensibly identifies with my soul,
As a steel hammer forcefully could crack my thick skull,
My mind feels shattered to pieces, for I will never be whole.

Eternally alone, I return to this familiar being – depressed and distorted,
My mental illness exhumed, raging with filth – my strength again thwarted,
Each day my mind twists severely, becoming more contorted,
My disconnected reality restored, once my final connection was aborted.

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

1 posted 2010-02-06 09:28 PM

Hey, welcome to PIP! I enjoyed reading your first post. I do have one suggestion though.
Instead of rhyming every last word of a line, try mix it up a bit. I think because of some spots seeming forced it took away from what you were trying to say.

Great write though. I'm looking forward to reading more soon.

P.S Despite my suggestion I really liked the last stanza.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

2 posted 2010-02-07 12:58 PM

Dear Never Alone,

                      I enjoyed reading this one for the fun you had with the rhymes and the feel of the rhythm.  Somewhere in here there's a person whose pulse in important, and who can feel it driving the words and the feeling in them, and who enjoys the way the lines snick when a rhyme works right for the poem, and the thing drives forward a little bit more energetically.

     Gotta be a bit careful of this particular voice, though, I think.  Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish a voice this punishing from your own voice, especially when you're feeling down.  When you get into one of these moods, it helps to repeat what the voice is saying to you, word for word, but using the voice of Donald Duck, sometimes at higher speed so it sounds a little bit faster.  You can get some comic relief that way, and you can look at the stuff with a colder eye when and if you want to revise it.

     Not to revise this one, though.  It's a good thing the way it is.  Have fun, and try some Donald Duck every now and again; I do.

My best, Bob Kaven

dazzlingprecious
New Member

since 2010-02-10

Posts 9

3 posted 2010-02-14 11:29 AM

Amazing !!

Desirer4New
Member

since 2008-04-23

Posts 57
basketball soccer writting and anything to do with art

4 posted 2010-02-15 03:28 PM

Very Nice. Very Very Nice.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

5 posted 2010-02-15 04:05 PM

I'll have to agree with everyone else. This poem is really good. I don't know how long you've been writing for but it surely shows that you have gotten alot of experience. Love to see more of your work. Welcome to Pip.

-Zach

wolfy09
Member

since 2008-06-10

Posts 93

6 posted 2010-02-24 03:28 PM

i loved this poem i felt it flowed really well. wow amazing cant wait to read more.

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