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Dark Poetry #5
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My Wall
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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My Wall |
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DarkProphet New Member
since 2010-01-13
Posts 6 |
Well i just joined and this is going to be my first poem on here. I write in my spare time so it might not be the best. But just a little bit ago I got this urge to write and this came out. Im a cheery person but I'm told I can write some great dark poems. I was hoping I could get some real feedback from you guys here  .My Wall My wall stands tall Strong and powerful No words or rocks you throw will harm me No way shall anything make it fall The hoards of the fallen The hoards of the ascended Descend upon my walls Battered and bruised My wall stands tall Some come to help Others come to hurt But they wont get to me For its still there When the day comes That my wall may fall When a force makes it crumble Falling to the ground Destroying everything I know Exposing myself to the world Letting all who dare pass Things come and fill me As i throw them away From the rubble of insecurities The wall rises again Stronger and taller Forcing all who know back Back away behind Its my shelter from them Its my barrier from hurt Its my shield from love Its my home behind it all There was a time before this wall Before it was even needed It was needed for I was vulnerable I was vulnerable because I was foolish Opening up my soul for them to devour Feeding off like many did Leaving gluttonously happy As i wither on the ground Foolishness kept me there Their demons became mine My life became their toy A toy and nothing more When all left and went Laying there consumed Wishing to stop the suffering But it only continued That was my only use My purpose My life My all All have left They had their fill Waiting for more The constant hunger Cant take it no more Cant handle it no more Cant withstand the pressure no more Cant understand my reason no more Standing there I start Brick by Brick The wall forms The wall rises Demons waiting to consume Angles wanting to heal None can enter For my wall is finished The savior is lost Drowned by hell Hope sinks with him So do I Shaking and rattling Trembling and weeping Cracking and Contorting They bang on the wall Day and Night Trying to breach To feed once again Never again Looking over the edge Fiends prowl Horrors scream Demons lurk Should I jump Leaving the safety of my wall That has kept me sane Sane, if you can even call it that As the wind hits my face As the shadows grow As my soul descends The wall falls away And I wonder Is it all worth it |
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Earl Brinkman Senior Member
since 2010-03-03
Posts 1183Osaka, Japan |
You have put a lot of soul into this piece and for that I commend you. But the problem is that there are too many issues and problems addressed that the reader is overwhelmed. I think that it would be best to edit this piece focusing on one or two aspects. Good luck! |
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midnightdreamer Member
since 2008-02-03
Posts 309Roy,ut |
i loved it the way it is nice read i know that feeling all to well... |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well where there is a wall, there are always a multitude of reasons, and issue that built it to the height and thickness it becomes. You wrote this well, and welcome the Passions In Poetry. |
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