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Dark Poetry #5
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Dark Cry
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Dark Cry |
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zaaclindsay Member
since 2009-08-12
Posts 111Ottawa Ontario |
Dark sigh, dark cry Thundering hoofbeats Drawing nigh Dark cry, hell’s best lie Swallows everything You try Don’t even ask, Put on the mask Pray and conjure For the task Search the past For a way to last Hope for morning’s Coming fast Nowhere to run Soul gone numb Fear this time Might be the one The heart succumbs To the pounding drum That strikes you blinded, Deaf, and dumb. I kept wondering why that frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger....and then it hit me. |
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| © Copyright 2009 David I Graf - All Rights Reserved | |||
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heartofsteel Junior Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 13Oregon, USA |
This poem was alright. I think i would like it better if it didn't rhyme. I think it just took away from it. May fates path fulfill your dreams. |
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drunkenirishpoet New Member
since 2009-09-04
Posts 7Franklin, NH USA |
yeah, i find in poems that long that the rhyme starts to write the poem and clouds the original point. |
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midnightdreamer Member
since 2008-02-03
Posts 309Roy,ut |
i see no problem with rhyming in long poems. it was beautiful. |
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Def-init Member
since 2008-12-03
Posts 186Toronto, Canada |
I am enjoying this poem the more I read it. The rhyme structure was simple but effective in this short piece. Your rhymes are getting better 'Linds'. I would suggest you work on wordplay a bit more. Not that by say that should you take it as this piece was weak. Far from it. Just a greater vocab and use of wordplay is the next step in your elevation. - If I cant bend Heaven, I shall move Hell - |
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zaaclindsay Member
since 2009-08-12
Posts 111Ottawa Ontario |
i wrote this years ago. i was more interested at the time at getting emotion out and didn't look left or right when it came to wordplay. I meant it to be blunt, hard, and to the point. It was more of a thought process than a piece when I wrote it. Thank you for you comments. zaac I kept wondering why that frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger....and then it hit me. |
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