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Rocheal
Junior Member

since 2009-03-15

Posts 25

0 posted 2009-03-15 08:41 PM

Until so recent, I've been a child
locked up and watched so close.
These barred up windows and pad-locked doors
have made sailing impossible to just coast.

I need someone to hold me tight
while my arms can still be free.
So I can reach for what I want
and effortlessly be me.

Tell me that you want me,
and how much I'm on your mind.
Tell me that you're so afraid
to follow your heart this time

I'll tell you you're behind my eyes
with every rise of the sun.
I'll tell you that I'm weary too,
but I'm tired of my heart feeling numb.

Whether or not you come along,
it's going to be scary to fall.
But I'm holding my breath and diving in,
because the only way there is to risk it all.

Open to critique.

) Thanks for reading..

Def-init
Member

since 2008-12-03

Posts 186
Toronto, Canada

1 posted 2009-03-31 12:21 PM

"Until so recent, I've been a child
locked up and watched so close.
These barred up windows and pad-locked doors
have made sailing impossible to just coast."

Made me chuckle, lol nice word-play here.

"I need someone to hold me tight
while my arms can still be free.
So I can reach for what I want
and effortlessly be me.

Tell me that you want me,
and how much I'm on your mind.
Tell me that you're so afraid
to follow your heart this time "

This to me sounds like at one point in time you were rejected and want to make that person feel the same way. Again good word-play.

"I'll tell you you're behind my eyes
with every rise of the sun.
I'll tell you that I'm weary too,
but I'm tired of my heart feeling numb.

Whether or not you come along,
it's going to be scary to fall.
But I'm holding my breath and diving in,
because the only way there is to risk it all."

Good closing in our final stanzas. A fair amount of rhyme in it as well. A good read. I would like to read more from yeah.

P.S
On the first page in the Dark Poetry forum. Check out the poems I dropped there. Dark scripts vol 1 -3. that might give yeah some ideas on adding some more rhyme to your work. "A Dark Soul" is a very rhyme intensive piece I wrote. You might like it.

-Def-

- If I cant bend Heaven, I shall move Hell -

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

2 posted 2009-03-31 08:06 AM

WELCOME TO PIP!!!!!!!!!

This is a very good start to your stay with us here on the Blue Pages.
I can't wait to read more of your thoughts.

Check your e-mail for a special greeting!

But this one goes to eleven...
http://www.hubpages.com/profile/RingoShort

greytree
Junior Member

since 2009-02-24

Posts 45
Wales

3 posted 2009-03-31 07:33 PM

Such desperate words! An evocative read. I hope you were caught!

In such an ugly time, beauty is the real protest

Rocheal
Junior Member

since 2009-03-15

Posts 25

4 posted 2009-05-08 08:43 PM

Thanks for the replies.

Sorry for the late response, I totally forgot about this forum.

I will check out the poem you told me to check out right now!

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