Sarai's monologue - an English sonnet

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Open Poetry #43

Sarai's monologue - an English sonnet

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

0 posted 2008-12-11 02:33 PM

As object of the Pharaoh’s lust I served,
Extorting bribes so Abram could grow rich;
Today, by my own maid I am disserved,
For my old man finds pleasure in the witch.
Indeed I proffered Hagar to conceive
A son, so Abram’d spread his seed through her;
But since she’s given birth this last Abib,
From her low bed I can’t my man deter.
He won’t attend to my drear jealousy:
”She is your maid,” he said, “do as you please;”
To him a vulgar toy she came to be,
She shall my scapegoat be for my betise.
Away must guiltless Hagar from this place,
For in her tears I read my own disgrace.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 2008-12-11 04:05 PM

Well done.

A

steavenr
Member Elite

since 2003-11-17

Posts 4058

2 posted 2008-12-11 09:27 PM

your last line captures the essence of this story well...nicely done

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

3 posted 2008-12-11 09:47 PM

Thanks for reading, Alison & Steave.

I think I should still work on it a bit. For example, Merriam-Webster as "3. a charming or alluring girl or woman" for "witch" but I'm pretty sure that it's the old hag image that comes to mind, not exactly what I'm looking for. And yet... has anyone seen it as a wordplay witch-HAGar? Did it have any effect on the reader? I originally wrote an overly obvious - and inappropriate - rhyme but thought it out of line with the conclusion, especially considering that there is little room for such development in Sarai's thoughts in one single sonnet, at least not unless I bring further changes.
What do you think?

Have a wonderful day! Mark

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