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Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida

0 posted 2008-11-06 03:26 PM



I stepped back
scared for what might come
I had been waiting for this first time after
hoping for an end, the closure I needed to go on

What I got instead
was a shove back to where I’d been

I want to scream unfair
All the while grasping for what was
and wasn’t
A paradox of feeling
An ambiguous despair

and you, right there

Trying to make me explain
what even I didn’t fully understand
I whimpered fault
bleeding responsibility

and still you walked away from me

I’ll take the figurative slap
and turn the other cheek
Knowing you are hurt
needing me to admit it was my defeat

Whispering a thousand apologies in my retreat  


"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

© Copyright 2008 Susan Caldwell - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2008-11-06 05:08 PM


"been there, did that"? sigh

We really need to stop doing that, huh?

*loving hugs* baby

I'm tired of explaining myself, too. There's no way to do that and not sound defensive.

So critics and social commentators be damned, I say.

Love you! With no apologies.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
2 posted 2008-11-06 06:15 PM


"Whispering a thousand apologies in my retreat"

well I personally don't believe you need to apologize for caring about someone even if it isn't returned.


M  

Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
3 posted 2008-11-06 07:54 PM


Susan - while reading your heartfelt words I think of where I've been and came back from. Too many memories, but now are in the past. Took a while, but it happened. Wish you well...

BC

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
4 posted 2008-11-07 04:13 AM


I'm such a patsy for the blamers of this world.  It's all my fault!  And yet somehow that feels a bit arrogant.  I'm still not good at sorting out responsibility.  Maybe that is because wisdom is in process.

Loved your poem.  I could identify with your thoughts.

Bridget

[This message has been edited by Bridget Shenachie (11-07-2008 12:33 PM).]

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
5 posted 2008-11-07 09:00 AM


I have had some failed relationships in the past.  

This one was on me and I will never forgive myself.

love to you all.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !
6 posted 2008-11-07 04:02 PM


It is most sad to see such a lovely lady have
an apparent need to 'pen' so darkly, so often!

well written and effectively emotive 'write'!

Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
7 posted 2008-11-08 11:55 PM


Susan,

I believe we grow from every experience.  I have been deeply hurt in my past, but it helped form me to become the woman I am today - and I look back at those men and still love them with part of my heart.  It's all growth and sharing feelings.  That's as profound as I can get tonight.

You are a beautiful woman and I thank you for sharing your inner self with us.

Alison

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392
Ohio
8 posted 2008-11-10 03:27 PM


such torture this thing called Love
i feel your pain and echo its stab inside my own punctured heart

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
9 posted 2008-11-10 06:14 PM


I agree with Maureen! ~Chocolate helps everything!


ARCTIC WIND

Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia
10 posted 2008-11-16 04:33 AM


sending some of my special RDB hugs your way lovely Susan.. a beautiful gifting here.. love RDB

Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight.........

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
11 posted 2008-11-16 09:20 AM


Thank you all so very much for the wonderful replies.

<3

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
12 posted 2008-11-18 01:49 PM


Painful thoughts blamed on yourself.  Growth is not always easy but usually there are reasons for it.  Enjoyed.
steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

13 posted 2008-11-18 04:16 PM


"I’ll take the figurative slap
and turn the other cheek
Knowing you are hurt
needing me to admit it was my defeat

Whispering a thousand apologies in my retreat"

loved it all, but these words really stood out in a writing of pure truth...thanks for sharing so eloquently

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
14 posted 2008-11-19 06:45 AM


You write very intensely about this pain and feeling of guilt, but the reasons for parting are never to blame only on one. And yes I think it is a lesson.
But what is very urgent in my eyes is that you forgive yourself for whatever you think you are to blame for. Don't torture your heart, dear Susan, anymore. Hug it, heal it and open it again.

Love and hugs.
Margherita

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