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Open Poetry #42
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can yall tell me what you think please?
| Open Poetry #42 |
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can yall tell me what you think please? |
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cycleflip New Member
since 2008-05-19
Posts 1 |
I was assigned to write a poem for english about "what america is". I'm a somewhat intelligent person, but I don't know if this poem reflects that. will yall give me some insightful feedback on what you think about it? Topic : "What is America" A handshake with a gesture, All too easy to make out as fake, Nobody buys it, not even for a second. No-one believes the “how do you do?”, Or the polite response of “well, and how are you?”. It is all fiction; nothing but a show, Trying to make them think their heart is full of love for them, When it is nothing, only hollow. To see the man greet him nicely, Only to degrade him out of sight, Brings me much insight; No man is innocent, not even one. Men using others, to gain a step ahead, Thinking not of what is done, But the state of themselves instead. “A sacrifice is needed,” he screams out, A sad attempt to cover, his disappointing flout. How can you say “Land of the free!”, Or even “Home of the Brave!”, Knowing that neither is true, It’s only something you crave. How can you be free with laws and regulations, Telling you to “do this, or go there”? You convince yourself that these are only simply “vacations.” Deviations of the norm, you say? “HA,” I laugh at you, Do you know what you relay? You say it’s normal, but what is that? You are nothing, only a stat. You are counted as one, and added to a population, But where do you stand out? I tell you, you are only normal, Your argumentation quells. |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
perhaps I have been away from the classroom for far too long, but your words may never reach the lasting stature of the following: "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" "It is part of the American character to consider nothing as desperate - to surmount every difficulty by resolution and contrivance." “The bosom of America is open to receive not only the Opulent and respectable Stranger, but the oppressed and persecuted of all Nations And Religions; whom we shall welcome to a participation of all our rights and privileges, if by decency and propriety of conduct they appear to merit the enjoyment.” “America is a land of big dreamers and big hopes. It is this hope that has sustained us through revolution and civil war, depression and world war, a struggle for civil and social rights and the brink of nuclear crisis. And it is because our dreamers dreamed that we have emerged from each challenge more united, more prosperous, and more admired than before.” “My conception of America is a land where men and women may walk in ordered freedom in the independent conduct of their occupations; where they may enjoy the advantages of wealth, not concentrated in the hands of the few but spread through the lives of all; where they build and safeguard their homes, and give to their children the fullest advantages and opportunities of American life; where every man shall be respected in the faith that his conscience and his heart direct him to follow; where a contented and happy people, secure in their liberties, free from poverty and fear, shall have the leisure and impulse to seek a fuller life.” Perhaps it is not your words so much as your vantage point. Your assignment (should you accept it) is to look up the the authors of the above quotes. You might be surprised at who said them. BTW, as a Yankee living in the South, I have discovered that ya'll is written as a contraction.  P.S., welcome to PIP |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Steavenr, Good answer. I like your stuff, and I don't care who said it. it's true. Yo Cycleflip, Every one's out to make a buck. That's the name of the game. You poem appears well written. I'd drop the caps to start each line. Good luck with your assignment. Bobby-who's out to make abuck too |
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Angel4aKing Senior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 1372USA |
The first phrase that pops in to my head after reading this is"don't mistake courtesy with politeness" At least I think that is how it goes. I have seen that myself in the last decade getting worse and worse.....I think it is good poem but a little negative....WE are suppossed to be both enemy and friend, protector and persecutor, a 'DOOR MAT' for the world to tread on and wipe thier feet on....how do we justify this???...is what I think you are trying to convey. I for one want to believe in a better time to come and no matter how hard I try to imagine this it still leaves me feeling pretty SAD!!! I don't know if this will help or not but sometimes with assignmnets and stuff like that I reread it over and over again, over a few days time and always come up with changes to make it better!! Good luck!!! ~~~kingsangel~~~ |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I think if that is what America is to you then I'm sure you will do fine. But as far as describing America? I think you missed the mark. Welcome to Pip |
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ctowen Member Elite
since 2001-10-18
Posts 2286Green Mountains of VT |
The assignment as you mentioned was a poem on America .... not on a specific detail which a sum of people may or may not see within it. Structue of the piece is strong but the impliment lacks the overall meaning ..... if this is what you honestly see as American than your title is missing a conclusive subject. Regardless of opinions, Americans know when to put abrasiveness aside and come together for a common goal for all. It's called the Bigger Picture ..... To truly understand the way one may want to walk such path ... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You are what you write. If that is your feeling of Americans, then that is your view of yourself. Your teacher will see that. Good luck to you.... |
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