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Open Poetry #41
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Hammond
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Hammond |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan 
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. It is late At night And there she is Sleeping On her chosen Side of the bed I can hardly Hear her breathing Such a look of quiet On her face It is the peace She seems To have found With me the way at times She sighs and smiles In her dreams How do you explain What it means . . . To those Who’ve never known Or believed in such things It’s all I ever wanted . |
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| © Copyright 2007 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Very poignant and very well done! This has a great capacity to startle and move. Best, Jim |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
very beautiful love poem |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
. Thank you both John . |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Heart song! Beautiful poem!! have a very nice weekend, sir Huan! TomToo |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
effective, emotive piece... a fine 'write!' applause! |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
This is a very tender write. Loved it.late" |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Fine writing...James |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
Thank you James, I have sent this as my submission to the Illinois State Poetry Society site because I feel there is something to it in a very important measure because of the reponses here. Thank you all, John PS: http://www.illinoispoets.org/index.htm . |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
What a beautiful write of love! Good luck in the contest! |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Huan Yi, I too can't help but notice the sincere depth of feeling in this poem. I think the other folks have offered great feedback. If you can tolerate more, in addition to the things the other folks have said, I think the poem—as all poems do—is making further demands on you. As Paul Vallery said, roughly remembered, Poems are never finished, they're only abandoned. Donald Justice, who won the pulitzer in poetry, was giving a reading in , I think, New Hampshire in the late Seventies when his first Selected Poems came out. These were poems published in fairly high-toned places, and they deserved to be. Rather than reading from typescript, he was reading from a copy of the book, and the whole thing, the whole book, turned out to be filled with penciled-in cross-outs and revisions and substitutions of poems that had been well-published 10 or twenty years before. (I peeked.) The rest of us aren't as good at listening to what our poems are asking from us. I know I'm not, though I do try. Though you could clearly let the poem stand as it is, why not, since you've already sent it out in a fixed form, take a little extra time and try some experimenting with it. See what words or phrases you can take out. See if there are more concrete nouns or phrases you can substitute for "sleeping", "side of the bed," "peace," "the way at times/ She sighs and smiles, and "those/Who've never known/Or believed in such things." Are there words or phrases that if substituted might supply a bit of surprise? Because those last two lines will come across with even more of an understated punch, if you can find such a balance, I think. Or such play might even tip you into an entirely different approach for, if not this poem, then another one that bears some sort of an interesting relationship to it. Same might be said of the verbs, which I always have trouble with; is there some way of making them strike a few more sparks. In real life, it's not so good to play with matches; in poetry, sometimes it's the other way around. Anyway, you've got a very moving and emotional poem there, Huan Yi. I'm hoping I've said some useful things, if not for this poem, maybe for the next one. Best luck, BobK. |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Me, I thought it was just great the way it is, my friend... j. |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
Thank you all again Bob K Paul Valery once remarked that beauty is that which without effort lifts man above his common nature. I am always open, even years later, to a better word, but to “experiment” runs the same risk as a painter too much mixing colors in that in the end all you get is mud. The author of this poem is an emotion whose memory was brought on by a drawing I was fortunate to see, (and purchase though I have no wall space for it), with decades between the events. If I “experimented” with the poem it would be as someone almost as distant from it as you are and that somehow strikes me as wrong. John PS Thanks jwesley |
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Gumpy Member
since 2007-11-06
Posts 143Canada |
Enjoyed very much. Nice read. Gumpy How is it that after your heart is ripped out, you feel so much? |
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