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Open Poetry #40
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A Bookworm and a Poet
| Open Poetry #40 |
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A Bookworm and a Poet |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England 
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A Bookworm and a Poet I sat alone next to my wife, as lonely as can be while she explored another land that I just could not see. When buried in a favourite book she’s in a trance like state, she does not notice anything and life just has to wait. She’ll sit like this for many hours, her eyes just seem to stare, except for when she turns a page I hardly know she’s there. I had to find something to do to while away my time, so lifting up a pencil I then took to writing rhyme. Together now, both side by side, adventure we can find, she travels on the written word while I explore my mind. Ivor G Davies The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. It lives the full spectrum of time, the future, the present and past. [This message has been edited by ivordavies (04-29-2007 01:27 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Ivor G Davies - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
poor Sir, what a wonderful life you have. You shall write lots lots lots books of poems for her to read then you have nothing to complain. ha ha ha! have a nice day. |
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carter07 Junior Member
since 2007-04-26
Posts 31 |
I love how simple you write! I never question what you were thinking which I love. I would change this line... "How could this be, alas, it’s true, she loves to read, you see." to maybe... "how could this be you ask? she loves to read, you see" change "except from when she turns a page" to "except for..." i think "to pass away my time" might flow better if it was "to while away my time" "I then took to writing rhyme." take out then Watch your punctuation there are excess commas. These are just my opinions on what might make it flow better. If I'm critiquing too much let me know. Love your ending stanza its perfect. I like the way you tell what made you start writing poetry. It's adorable! |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Drauntz, Thank you for your continued support, Ivor |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Carter, Thank you for your critique, unusually for me, this was one I was not too happy with because it moved away from naturally used words in places. (not that I do not actually rework English when it suits me!) I agree it was not quite right and I have rewritten the first stanza and have also used a couple of your suggestions to correct and soften the flow, thank you. The 'then' you suggested removing would actually break the entire beat of the piece. Although a logical suggestion, given the length of the line it is in, if you read this poem aloud you will find this is in couplets of 14 syllables. Whilst I will change syllable length sometimes from stanza to stanza if appropriate, in this one it feels better as it is. If reverted to two line couplets it would read: I had to find something to do to while away my time, so lifting up a pencil I then took to writing rhyme. see what I mean? Punctution has been re-addressed, this is one where overkill was unfortunately necessary to maintain meaning. If for instance the comma was removed after 'side by side' this would not refer to my wife and I being side by side, but the adventures being in parallel! Thank you once again for your indepth look at this and hope my rewrite, taking your suggestions into account, slips more smoothly through your mind... Ivor |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
An excellent and pro-active solution to a frustrating problem! Well done! - Owl |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Ivor, I absolutely adore this! I truly do!!! In fact, if you don't mind, I'm saving it!  Hugs to you ~ and your wife!  Linda |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Very good. Enjoyed, martyjo |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
ivordavies, WE seem to share a similar experience. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I'm a tremendous fan of both... being denied books or pen would be more deprivation than I could endure. *S* I like this very much! *S* |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Very clever, very good and a fun look at 'sitting in companionable silence'...thoroughly enjoyed. Thank you Dinah |
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