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Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

0 posted 2010-06-22 08:30 PM

My true love asked me for my hand,
Before I answer I demand
He first must bring a bright blue rose.
"I'll search the world for one of those",
Was his reply and off he went.
For many weary months he spent
In searching for elusive blue.
I turned away each offered hue.
Heartlessly, I bade him go
To every flower and garden show,
To find the rose for which I pine,
That I might claim rare rose as mine.
His spirits sagged each time I said
"I do not want a pink or red.
I'll only settle for a blue
If I'm to give my hand to you".
He answered, "Love, I've done my best.
The impossibility of the quest
Has weakened me unto my death.
I've sought your rose with my last breath".
With thse last words my true love died.
For many days and nights I've cried.
Where it has come from no one knows,
But on his grave grows a blue rose.

By Joyce Johnson 6/14/10

Trillium

Member Patricius

since 2001-03-09

Posts 12098
Idaho, USA

1 posted 2010-06-22 11:37 PM

Dear Joyce;

Hauntingly beautiful! Well done!

Love
Betty Lou

Betty Lou Hebert

easy1
Senior Member

since 2010-05-22

Posts 1209
Southeastern USA

2 posted 2010-06-25 01:35 AM

It is a somewhat haunting piece. Very nicely handled ending! And so sad, like Thurber's Scarlet Ibis...

Idaho Pen
Junior Member

since 2012-08-20

Posts 16
Idaho US

3 posted 2012-08-23 10:14 AM

As always Joyce, well done, sometimes we don't get what we want till it is too late.

r v wooo
Senior Member

since 2007-08-07

Posts 656

4 posted 2012-08-23 10:29 AM

Beautiful poem...lovely story...I love story poems!

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

5 posted 2012-08-23 03:26 PM

How well you told this sad story, dear Joyce. It is really haunting.

Margherita

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

6 posted 2012-09-01 09:57 AM

Well done Joyce! I enjoyed this very, very much!

I would only change 3 lines, since you welcome constructive criticism:

1. Heartlessly, I bade him go

This line is a syllable short compared to the other lines.

How about this?

a. So heartlessly, I bade him go

or

b. Most heartlessly I bade him go

or

c. Quite heartlessly I bade him go

Any of these gives you the extra syllable needed.

2. The impossibility of the quest

This line has too many syllables compared with the other lines and throws off the rhythm. It does for me, anyway.

Here are a couple of suggestions to fix that:

a. The grueling nature of this (or the) quest

or

b. The difficulty of this (or the) quest

And the closing line:

3. But on his grave grows a blue rose.

The rhythm seems off here. How about this?

a. But on his grave a blue rose grows.

or

b. Upon his grave a blue rose grows.

These eliminate the stress from falling unnaturally on the 'a'.

Victoria

Member Ascendant

since 2000-08-12

Posts 5869

7 posted 2012-12-12 10:25 AM

I really loved your words Joyce, heartfelt. A beautiful poem.

~Victoria~

Life is a great big canvas-Throw all the paint on it you can.
-- Danny Kaye

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

8 posted 2013-03-07 12:42 PM

Awesome story within the poem. I liked how there was so much to learn, so much written between the lines.

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