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FNG
Member

since 2006-02-07

Posts 477

0 posted 2009-03-12 11:16 AM

You mimic me,
But you are not me

You are distorted,
or is that me in reality?

Outward projection of magnificient.
Inward naught of vessels of creation.

If I'm a masterpiece by the supremity,
you're a counterfeit by the cowardice.

In darkness you contained you in me.
In the light,
you have nowhere to hide,
but to show your true colours.

You are black, without features.

[This message has been edited by FNG (03-13-2009 01:55 PM).]

KatKali
Member

since 2008-01-03

Posts 67
Where the wispers grow louder

1 posted 2009-03-12 11:48 AM

I only have one little tid bit, try to use more detail to help create the image, as I got a nice image it was hard putting pieces together, but besides that I loved the theme and the mood it presented

A beautiful Bird,
Perched high

Quiet Waters
Junior Member

since 2009-03-13

Posts 15
IN, USA

2 posted 2009-03-14 11:33 AM

Hi FNG ~

I'm a newbie to this site, so I'm just reading through various posts and threads and commenting on those that provoke a response. To me that's what writing is all about, provoking a response in the reader.

S1 and S2 provoked a response in me. I like the simplicity used to evoke strength.

The following stanza's progressively lose strength until the very last line where it returns again.

The only problem with the last line is that it doesn't relate to S1 and S2, so as a reader I was left wondering what you truly wanted to say.

I would suggest you "tighten up" the middle stanza's and work with the strength in the last line to bring closure for your reader.

Looking forward to more of your writing.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

FNG
Member

since 2006-02-07

Posts 477

3 posted 2009-03-14 08:31 PM

Hi Quiet Waters,

I appreciate your comments. It's a very comprehensive one. It's going to help me understand my writing more from the reader's perspective....

Glad to see you here in pip!

cheers

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

4 posted 2009-03-15 06:27 PM

I can only guess that you may be my shadow. Joyce

zaaclindsay
Member

since 2009-08-12

Posts 111
Ottawa Ontario

5 posted 2009-08-14 03:33 PM

this had a lot of power for me personally. it kind of goes without saying that if someone hasnt experienced what motivated this piece, they wouldn't get it fully. but it's something i've been trying to saying in other forms of verse for a long time, but couldnt quite so directly.

zaac

midnightblues
Senior Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 1597
Singapore

6 posted 2009-08-17 11:59 AM

Hi FNG,

I like your concise yet detailed style of writing, and that little chill of spookiness that it invoked in me as I read this

Love,
MiCheLLe

If there cannot be equal in affection, then let the one with more be me - midnightblues

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