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Repost: Man in The Moon
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Repost: Man in The Moon |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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So I have a writers block. When that happens I repost old poems with minor tweaks and corrections. This time I will be doing "Man in The Moon". I used some of Netsky’s suggestions. Man in the moon The man in the moon laughs at me As I bleed maroon and cry out What's more ludicrous than that? I have only loved the moon -Juju -<>-~-<>-~-<>- |
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| © Copyright 2006 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
Short and sweet, but missing something. I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality. |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
What would it be missing? Juju -Juju |
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patience_iago Member
since 2006-08-30
Posts 54 |
I feel like its missing something too, i cant put my finger on it. "There are some days where i believe i might die of an overdose of satisfaction" |
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shatteredsilver Member
since 2005-03-31
Posts 63middle of nowhere |
Man in the moon The man in the moon laughs at me As I bleed maroon and cry out What's more ludicrous than that? I have only loved the moon I enjoy the idea behind this, but yes, something's missing. Try: Why is he laughing, why are you bleeding, how did you fall in love with the moon? (the last one is what I really want to know) |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I read this over and I don't think thats enough information to change anything. The man in the moon laughs at me As I bleed maroon and cry out What's more ludicrous than that? I have only loved the moon The idea behind this poem is simply someone say Jane is with a person say Bob who hurts her, but the reason Jane is with him is his body. I don't need to explain Bob's action, because the poem is first person Jane. The point of the poem is not Jane is in pain, It is the reflection of Jane’s action. "He hurts me, but I am no different." There might be something missing, but it wouldn't be me talking about Bobs feelings. At this point I can't see any verses to add with out weakening the voice. It might take a few years and a little inspiration to be able to get the right words. So at this point I don't believe I will not change it by explaining it. Unless some one thinks "had" would be better then "have". -Juju -Juju |
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