Devoid of the “Awe” Factor

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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-07-05 09:10 PM

Devoid of the “Awe” Factor

I get up every morning
Get dressed in my best for no one but the sky
I fix my hair for the flowers
And just maybe for a hope of mine

I’m not afraid to lie in the grass
And smell the sweet earth
So warm and comforting beneath me
And I hope he sees me out here

I sing to plants as I pick the weeds
As, also, I brush my bangs aside
Singing to the wind
The only thing that hears me anyways

As I lie there, on my stomach, twirling my daisy
Wondering who’s watching me out there
I turn to my back
To soak in the warmth of the sun

My thoughts never seem to stay
Their aim is to wander and constantly stray
And the rain soaks through my thoughts
I get up to leave

Maybe it will never happen
The hand on my should as I turn to my house
But desperately I hope against hope
That maybe I’ll have luck

No such hope makes anything
Only my mind dreams it be

If love were a picture that painting would never be finished.

Jezzika
Member

since 2005-01-05

Posts 154
work

1 posted 2007-07-05 10:23 PM

Ok..
The idea of the poem and um...content was great but I think you need to re read it and maybe move some lines around to make it flow a little better because right now it seems kinda jagged...if that makes any sense??
Maybe just change how you are spacing your lines to put emphasis on ceratin lines...
sorry..not trying to be mean i really did like it..

One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

2 posted 2007-07-06 09:18 AM

it's supposed to be jagged, like everything is going well, and then a though will cut it, it's all part of the poem, theres just deeper meaning in the way it's written. I want it to flow in some part and not in others. It makes it complete.

If love were a picture that painting would never be finished.

Jezzika
Member

since 2005-01-05

Posts 154
work

3 posted 2007-07-06 06:18 PM

oh i see...

Re-reading it after reading what you said...I can see it..
sorry

One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

4 posted 2007-07-06 07:33 PM

totally okay, i know everyone just tries to help.

If love were a picture that painting would never be finished.

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