The Way I Feel (the ships going down)

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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-06-14 08:20 PM

i dont want to hear your voice,
full of fluid lies
of angry voices, and angels cries.

so like deaths destruction
of a twisted race
filled with hateful words,
and a cold calm face,
step away from the world
and its twisted views,
i want time for myself,
and i want the real truth.

now shut the door, leave me alone,
as i sit down and count the days.
the seconds turn to endless nights,
ive let myself fall away.
im sinking faster and faster,
my ship is sinking fast.
my heart is on stand-by
as i cling to my broken mast.

[This message has been edited by Clockwork_Orange (06-14-2007 10:28 PM).]

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

1 posted 2007-06-14 08:33 PM

woah you blew me away and i rarely say that. orange i think your my favoerite. woah.

IMpressive.

-Red

you'll have to email me abunch of your stuff. your incredible, my fave. was the first two lines. wow, you gripped me fast and you never let go

I stuck my bare hand into your rip cage and fished around until I found your heart ripped it out tore it apart while saying You dont need this anymore

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

2 posted 2007-06-14 10:31 PM

so powerful it was an amazing poem i liked it alot i can't wait for you next one to be posted

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2007-06-15 11:54 AM

I agree with Red. you amaze me CO. this was amazing. But I think you already knew you're my fav poet

hunnie.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

WaterFairy103
Member

since 2006-05-31

Posts 196

4 posted 2007-06-15 05:41 PM

Amazing, as always. Excellent flow and emotion. Another hit!

I've stopped fighting my inner demons... we're on the same side now.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2007-06-15 06:30 PM

I GET to be the bad guy i do have crittique but not alot. You still have alot of talent though. Your a strong writer, your words have alot of emaning

i dont want to hear your voice,
full of fluid lies
of angry voices,
and angels cries.

so like deaths destruction
of a twisted race.
Filled with hateful words,
and a cold calm face,
step away from the world
and its twisted views,
i want time for myself,
I want the truth.
*emphasis the I because that is important its you that wants the truth, and you don't need real it takes away from it, truth is a strong word on its own and doesnt need real when the truth hopefully would be real

now shut the door, leave me alone,
as i sit down and count the days.
the seconds turn to endless nights,
i've let myself fall away.
i'm sinking faster and faster,
my ship is sinking fast.
my heart is on stand-by
as i cling to a broken mast.
*when a ship goes down the sailors aren't picky they don't own anything they just take what they can get. They are desperate because they are risking their lives and likely to die, there is great danger. Take away the 'my' before 'broken', let it just be a broken mast, any old mask, your going down with the ship

Alaina
Member

since 2007-06-16

Posts 106

6 posted 2007-06-17 04:15 PM

wow this is really great you put words together in such a great way

greeneggs-n-ham
Junior Member

since 2007-06-05

Posts 14

7 posted 2007-06-17 04:59 PM

that was good
The beginning really captured my attention. If a poem has a bad beginning then i wont continue reading it, but this one had a really captivating beginning and so i wanted to continue reading. Good job!

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