Teen Poetry #8 |
Fractured |
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
Whipping winds don’t change my straight course But your eyes stop me in my heavy tracks And the pain tears at my fractured heart Clutching my everything in your cold press racks Well what of love- can you feel what I thought was it Yet your face speaks of proportions my mind can’t wrap around And again and again my heart shatters all over the floor There’s always that one piece that refuses to be found And the too bright sunlight bleeds in Illuminating the tear stains on my lily cheeks I feel like a failure and I don’t know where to turn The few seconds prolong themselves to endless weeks I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times now I can’t imagine going into my slumber in any other fashion It wasn’t supposed to end this way, no it never was Wasn’t it love that drove you to me, oh I guess it was passion Well if the sun didn’t light anymore- I guess I wouldn’t notice My mind is elsewhere and it hurt to think or feel Too much is taking up my mind and body right this second My heart refuses what my mind knows- this is real and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night [This message has been edited by RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed (06-17-2007 08:39 PM).] |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
This is unusually well written. Very concrete. For a title: Maybe "Discontinued" or "Impeded" or "Hindered" all suggesting some force has yielded your efforts so you can mull on the moment that you have experienced or the character in your poem has experienced. Go with irony. Ironic titles may work well here. -J |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
i kinda agree. but when i was reading this piece one word kept repeating in my head. "Fractured" and in my own personal oppinion, it sounded awesome and fit well. but thats just me |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
you know orange, i didn't like "fractured" at first, but the more and more i thought about it, and the more i read over my poem the more it fit each time. hummm. i'm convinced your genius. -Red hummm, what a funny thing words are . . . just a thought, i think i'll turn it poem . . . Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. |
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