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Teen Poetry #8
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Mirage
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Mirage |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
She's a dancing scarlet intoxication sparkling in a delicate seduction of twisting a radiant delight, from the heart, to games of intrigue. Amplifying confusion on love and lust, glowing innocence in a move of brilliant surrender. Another hollow triumph on a bitter mirage. "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
A lot of concrete images and it has a quick pacing. However, I see some contradiction. 1st u say that this character (female) is a delicate seduction, but then you write she "glows innocence in a move of brilliant surrender"...does that mean she gives her self up? 2nd u say this character "amplifies confusion on love and lust" are u saying that love and lust is already confusing?...so she basically confuses things even more? Or are her looks confusing? Finally, the last lines, u write that there is a hollow triumph...4 who? and the triumph is on a bitter mirage...if mirage means something a person sees but isn't really there....a bitter mirage is like some sort of horrible hallucination?..lol... not sure...sounds interesting, would like to know more -J |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"A lot of concrete images and it has a quick pacing. However, I see some contradiction. 1st u say that this character (female) is a delicate seduction, but then you write she "glows innocence in a move of brilliant surrender"...does that mean she gives her self up?" First off the contradictions are meant to be, the character in itself is a contradiction, but I'm afraid that I don't always write well for an audience. I tend to chop pieces off that people need to read to know what is happening because I know what'll happen and I forget that others don't. I have a hard time knowing when I'm giving enough or need to pare down until someone reads what I've written. Yes, it does mean she gives herself up but it is a facade, it's pretending innocence when she's actually the one seducing and hence it's a "move of brilliant surrender" since the person she is seducing falls for it. "2nd u say this character "amplifies confusion on love and lust" are u saying that love and lust is already confusing?...so she basically confuses things even more? Or are her looks confusing?" Love and lust is very confusing, at least for me, what you think is love could just be putting a nicer name on lust. This character confuses the emotions even more, with her looks and her actions. "Finally, the last lines, u write that there is a hollow triumph...4 who? and the triumph is on a bitter mirage...if mirage means something a person sees but isn't really there....a bitter mirage is like some sort of horrible hallucination?..lol... " It's a hollow triumph for the one doing the seducing, putting all her energy into having someone succumb to her passions only to find in the end it doesn't make her happy, it was a mirage towards happieness if you will. Thanks for your input on this piece, I can see I need to go back to the drawing board :P "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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surf_painter Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434Canada |
i also was confused for parts of the poem however i did like it and your explanation helped alot when i finished i realized then what the poem was all about good job on both the poem and the explanation |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wow I haven't read anything by you for a long time.. I really loved this though... hunnie. ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I like the character, I like the description I could picture her , even though you did not describe her physically that is trulely talent. When reader can picture the character and know the character without phyiscal Description. This is a really good poem , we started the protest thread in lounge over this poem I remember. Hmm, i need to stop bi |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Actually rhia, the protest was started over another poem but the wording could be considered similiar... Thanks for taking the time to post everyone! "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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stormdancer Junior Member
since 2007-05-10
Posts 31state of confustion |
I did have a little hard time following it, but after I read the explination it was very good. Maybe just add a few key lines? |
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
well, sure has been awhile since you've posted! I was looking for a poem to read and the name of this one kinda stuck out so i clicked on it. as i read the words i go "hmm...sounds like something stargal would write" then i looked and saw that you had indeed, written another. I agree with some of the others that it was a bit confusing, but at the same time, i liked it. It was a challenge to try and absorb everything you were saying, and everything that was happening. Thanks for the great read! |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
Its been quite awhile, stargal. I always enjoy your poems.. Unlike some, your poems always make me think. The way you described the character in this poem was different, yet original. There was contradiction, but you said that was meant to be. I have no idea what to say, except, short but sharp. Nicely done :] ~missy |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
hey stargal, this was amazing. |
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